Further Along

I know that I am always talking about believing in the process and how much I’ve changed, and it is true but, self doubt is good at sneaking in. I’m working on it… I promise. I know that I am miles away from where I was yet, sometimes I forget how far that truly is. I feel like there is still so much I have to do to prove to myself that I’ve “made it”. It’s an internal battle I face on a daily basis. Don’t get me wrong, good prevails over the bad, I just seem to underestimate myself sometimes. So… I am thankful when something comes along that forces me to stop and acknowledge where I am at and just how close some of my dreams are. It’s moments like those that I feel on top of the world, and, honestly, who doesn’t love that feeling?

I got some incredible news today, like incredible, I can’t believe it kind of news and without thinking, I went to share it with the one person that popped into my head. Just automatic reaction, something this huge had to be shared. I had to stop to cry. I cried out of happiness and excitement but also because I couldn’t share this information with who I wanted to. These are the moments worth sharing, the things that show you that you’re on the right track, that everything you’ve gone through has been worth it and even now as I write this I am filled with frustration. I feel guilty, like I’m keeping a secret. I am not, I want to share the news and I can’t but, I still feel like I’m holding back.

I thought I had more time to make the moves I needed, to set myself up for the life I want to live and now I see that by not grinding every day, I am holding myself back. All of this, it is on me. It is up to me and I am the only one that can win this or lose it. While I know losing isn’t an option, this is where the self doubt creeps back in. Asking myself if I can do this? If I can master it? If I am making the right decisions. I know the answers, I know I only have to believe. I’m human though and I am flawed. There are new lessons for me to learn every day, some I have to continue to go through because I haven’t learned from them. I’m like the little engine that could and I am determined to see this through. With God as my witness, 2021 is going to be a year of growth, this woman plans on reaching new heights.

Where there is no way, I will make a way. What I don’t know, I will learn. What I am lacking, I will supplement, somehow, some way. I am resilient and have embraced my growth mentality. I will not be stagnant, I will not wait around to be saved or act a fool like chicken little. I am breaking barriers, I am ending the cycle and bad habits. I refuse to believe that where I am is the only place I can be. Dreams come true every day for those that believe, those that work hard and never give up. I will always have obstacles in my way, that’s for sure. My hurdle is accepting how far I’ve come, cutting myself some slack. I don’t have to be perfect, nothing has to be perfect, it’s in the imperfections that I find perfection. I am experimenting with being easier on myself. I just know what I am capable of so when I underperform, I am my own worst enemy. The lesson is to give myself some grace, to not measure myself by impossible standards that I do not hold others to.

Wow, I have so much swimming in my head right now and tomorrow is a big day, gotta register for Winter & Spring Sessions and I am still working on homework. Final papers are starting to be due. I can’t believe I am almost done with my first semester and as long as I don’t tank anything moving forward, I will be getting all A’s! Yay Stephie! See what focus can do? I had to remind myself of what I want and commit to pushing myself to get there and I’m making progress. So much further along than I thought. I guess that goes to show that you should always get a second opinion! Different people look at and interpret things in different ways and then how committed they are in helping you also plays a factor. Ask questions if you aren’t sure. Sometimes you may be surprised by what you find out!

Making waves, swimming like I’ve never swam before. Fuck treading water….

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