I heard Drive by Incubus twice in the car today among a list of other songs that spoke to me but, I noticed that this one played twice. I love it and always sing at the top of my lungs. But, it just fits with what I am working towards in my life. Although God’s behind the wheel, metaphorically, I am. No one else is driving me in a direction I don’t want to go. I am not being influenced by outside sources. Again, a song that plays right in to what I’ve been saying about myself. It’s confirmation, that’s what it is. But lately, I am beginning to find that when I drive myself my light is found. So, whatever tomorrow brings, I’ll be there. With open arms and open eyes. Whatever tomorrow brings, I’ll be there, I’ll be there.
I don’t think I’ll ever tire of hearing my mom say how proud of me she is. Those are words that I’ve waited my whole life to hear and it’s not until this year, until this journey that she finally said them. She tells me all of the time. She’s seen first hand that no matter what obstacle I am faced with, I run straight into the fire because it has to be done. I don’t hesitate or reconsider, I roll up my sleeves and get to work. She knew I was strong, or I think she did. She knew the teenage girl I used to be was. She begged for me to channel her again. I only wanted to be accepted for who I am and not who I used to be. She sees now that this woman is mightier than that girl could ever be. That girl was strong because she was hiding a secret, she was hiding her weakness and how scared she was. That girl hurt people before anyone else could hurt her. That strength came from a place of fear. The woman here and now, she has healed those wounds, she has faced her demons, she has forgiven those that hurt her and herself for holding onto the anger for so long. This woman is strong from all the things that broke her and she still kept getting back up. She rose from the ashes and found strength within herself. Knowing that what doesn’t kill me only makes me stronger allows me to bravely face what’s in front of me. I know that my story is not finished being written so the worst that can happen is a new level of strength. Yes, I can get hurt, ya, I might be disappointed but, it’s nothing I’m not accustomed to.
I was upset that I got a late start to my day but, as I was on the road, I passed a bad accident that had only happened minutes earlier. A truck had stuff loaded in their bed and it came loose all over the road. A SUV must have hit something or tried to swerve to miss the items and ended up rolled over on the roof on the side of the rode. We were stopped for a short moment as it has only recently happened, as I cautiously passed, people from cars that had pulled over were pulling people from the SUV. I was so shaken up. I had to pray and thank God for me being late, I had to remind him that we are still writing this story and it’s just starting to get good. My affairs are not in order and my life is not the way it’s supposed to be so, I prayed for Him to keep me safe and to continue to guide me. Everything can change in an instant. Yet, we still make stupid decisions, make life altering choices based off of anger, pride, ego, misunderstanding and miscommunication.
My mom called me today stressing because people at work tested positive for Covid but, based off what they did while on break so no one at work was exposed. She was completely stressed out and I told her that all that stressing wasn’t accomplishing anything. They made a bad decision and at least they found out prior to exposing people. I then spoke with my sister in law about some things that she is stressing over and I reminded her that stressing doesn’t solve problems, it doesn’t provide solutions, it only takes from the happiness and peace that we have. To be clear headed is a better way to go, there’s a chance of coming up with a solution when we aren’t fretting about all the negative possibilities. I know it’s weird to hear me say these things but, I can’t stress anymore. It’s not for me. Everything happens the way it is meant to be regardless if I make myself a nervous wreck or not. Stressing has only depleted me of joy, ruined memories and moments that were good and I was too involved in what if that I wasted basking in what was in front of me. I refuse to live in that place again. I refuse.
Whatever tomorrow brings, I’ll be there. I’ll be thankful for another day, for the love I share and the opportunity to live out my day however I want. With open arms, open eyes and an open heart, I look forward to what tomorrow has in store for me. I predict lots of laughs and silliness, snapchat calls with silly filters for my Cheese and a sprinkle of homework in there somewhere too…