I am really and truly putting myself first, Miah understands how important this is to me and thankfully, he’s very low maintenance anyways. I think that was the step I was skipping on this journey. I mean, I was putting myself first but with stipulations, there are no stipulations now. I am doing what I want, when I want, saying what I want and I’m not giving in. My anxiety was through the roof the other day because I was doing what was expected and not what I wanted to be doing. I haven’t been in that kind of bubble in a while and it was awful. It took me having that yucky feeling to realize that I was not being my authentic self. I do not have to compromise myself for any reason. Now, don’t mistake that for not compromising, of course, I will still compromise in situations but, not myself. I will not give of myself if I do not want to, I will not silence myself when I have an opinion I feel needs to be heard. If I have learned nothing else in that day, it is that what I want matters, what I need to feel peaceful and at ease, matters.
I spoke yesterday of doing for me. Today, I did just that. I got to go into town and get my handsome man a haircut… he look so very sharp! Then I took him and his girlfriend out to lunch (it had been a while since they’ve seen each other). We got to meet her new pretty pitty princess, Jackie (Robinson)… oh em gee is she totally adorable! We ended the day grocery shopping and I’m here now writing this. It was great to be out and spending time with my boy. I wish the world was different because we would have been able to catch a movie or do some other cool things but, spending time was the point of the day and we knocked it out of the park. It was just what my heart needed after a hard week. I got dressed up, not too dressed up, Miah has not been a fan of me getting all dolled up lately. He’s super overprotective of his momma and keeps talking about stuff, making me think that he’s making sure I don’t stray…so to speak. I appreciate his interest and how much he loves me so, I don’t mind at all compromising where he is concerned. So, no boots today, just my Roxy tennies. I still felt like a million dollars, I do even now in my pajamas and my hair back in a ponytail. I made the most of my day.
So, here I sit, feeling very accomplished and a deep sense of love for me. Thinking about what’s next. Should I finish my last homework assignment before tomorrow or should I reward myself with Netflix and get cuddled up under the blankets? Either is a win for me I guess. All I know is I don’t have the bad feeling that I’ve been carrying around with me anymore. I was hit with a dose of reality and everything was put into perspective. I remembered the mission, renewed my strength to forge ahead and got straight to it. Doing what I know is right in my heart is the only thing that makes me happy, straying from that leads to anxiety and my own form of chaos. I honestly don’t know what tomorrow holds… but, knowing that as long as I follow my gut, everything will be okay, it’s comforting.
You’ll see I attached a clip to the movie Renaissance Man with Danny Devito. If you’ve never seen it, watch it. It’s great. As I talk to myself throughout the day, this is what I’ve caught myself saying and it’s because of this movie. I know that the quote is from Hamlet, but, I recall it because of the movie. It’s powerful if you follow it through. THIS ABOVE ALL TO THINE OWN SELF BE TRUE! You are beholden to God first and then yourself. If you cannot be true to yourself, you won’t find love or happiness, peace or satisfaction, it will all be under false pretenses and while it might be nice for the time being, it’s not permanent, there is an expiration and you’ll find yourself struggling to find yourself and a way to get back to what you had. Simply, be true to you, who and how you are, what you want and what you’re willing to do to achieve your dreams. No two people are the same, what they require to live their best life looks different from the next. So, there’s no cheating. You have to put in the work, but, it’s worth it. A moment of peace is worth years of anxiety. The more me I am, the more comfortable I am showing myself to others. I don’t want to be locked away missing out on life, I am ready to be seen and heard.
Enjoy the clip and the quote and then have a great evening!