I have been overwhelmed with mixed emotions throughout the day. Currently experiencing a piercing pain in my heart and struggling for a breath of air. Tears slowly building in my eyes and then one by one dripping down my face, refusing to cease. My mind is chaotic, fighting between the hurt and my reasons to feel grateful.
This day is by far the hardest I’ve had to endure. It was going to potentially be one of my favorites. I should be celebrating life, love and family but instead, I’m laying alone in the dark confused as to how I’m still in this state.
I am blessed for the day, for what I’ve learned about myself, my relationship with my family, especially my son and where I am personally at in my life. I am thankful for all the people I love and those that love me in return. I am so very lucky that God did not give up on me and that I didn’t let the darkness consume me and allow me to do something to prevent my presence on Earth. I’ve come a long way… out of the shadows and into the light.
I am in that oxymoron state again. I am the saddest and happiest I’ve been. I have so many reasons to give thanks and yet I want to scream at the top of my lungs. I am blessed to have such options and that my heart is not cold, that I have not given up on good things coming my way. I am thankful that I am allowed these mixed emotions, that I am alive and healthy enough to work through them and that I can continue to have faith that tomorrow might offer the breakthrough I’ve been praying for.
Life doesn’t have to be perfect to appreciate it. I think we are more grateful when we’ve been through the struggle and knowing from past experience that somehow, some way, we will come out the other side. We can’t settle for a life that doesn’t feel right no matter how tempting it may be. I’ve said it before, I rather be homeless and in love, than rich and without it. The hard days make the good days that much better. Sharing your life means a lot of lows and a lot of highs, you just have to choose your team, your family every day no matter what.
I’m thankful for my family.. I know that God blessed the broken road that led me straight to them. My heart still hurts but, I won’t give up on finding reasons to be thankful on this day.