My mom likes to tell everyone how stubborn I am and I always do what I want but, honestly, that isn’t true and the people closest to me know that. I do the right thing, I do what I think others want me to do and rarely do exactly what it is that I want to do. I’ve been doing a decent job of correcting that in the last few months but it’s harder than it sounds. I always put others needs and happiness before mine so, doing what I want sounded selfish. I know that it is a much needed change and I was doing a good job or so I thought.
Recently, as you are all aware, I’ve been distracted and just not feeling myself. There are many factors that played into this but, I don’t like the way it made me feel. I felt counterproductive and I couldn’t take it anymore. I have been trying to put my finger on the issue so that I could resolve it and the answer came to me today. I see that I am slowly falling back into trying to please others at my expense. I had to take a step back and remind myself of my goals, my dreams, what it is that I am working towards and what in my life is holding me back. I don’t want to hurt anyone so, when someone expects something of me, I bend over backwards to meet their expectations and I just can’t do it anymore. I am not being my authentic self if I am trying to fit into something someone else wants. I’ve learned that when something is right, you are the perfect fit.
For example, my Government professor, he likes our papers to be clear and concise and I’m a wordy girl. I’ve lost some points on papers for that reason. Not a lack of understanding the material but his writing preference. This last assignment was worth as many points as my midterm and I was nervous about doing the assignment. I waited until the last day to do it and I worked hard, I wrote for me, to show my knowledge and understanding of the assignment but, I chose to do it in a way that was me, that I could be proud of. I accepted that I might lose points, a lot of points, but, I was happy with my paper. He came back today praising my work and correlation of the assignment to the references from history I used and…. I received full credit for the assignment. Again, God gives us signs if we will only pay attention to them. I was true to myself, I chose me and I was rewarded for it.
I’ve been teetering on a few other decisions recently. To do what others may see as right or do what feels right in my heart. It’s easy to see that after my full credit, that I am choosing to go with my heart. Always with your heart Stephanie! When your intentions are pure, I don’t think you can go wrong with following your heart. Hey, doesn’t mean things will go your way, but, at least you can be satisfied for choosing to do things your way. Believe it or not, there is a good head on my shoulders. I’m a pretty smart woman and what I lack in other areas, I make up in heart. The things I am choosing to do feel right to me and there can’t be anything wrong with that. Some of these choices come at the perfect time and opportunities like this will never present themselves again. I remain steadfast in my goals but understand fully that what they will turn out to look like may differ from what I have in mind. If I am unwilling to fit into someone else’s expectations, I cannot and will not put that expectation on anyone else. I know that I am going to disappoint some but, I wouldn’t be the woman I am, if I didn’t hold firm in my decision.
To love me is to love all of me, flaws and all. You just have to love me even when you hate me. That’s the deal okay? I’m not perfect and I’m great at getting on your nerves but, knowing everything I have to offer, would you want it any other way? The answer is no. 🙂 I feel like a weight has been lifted off of me now that I have pinpointed what was bringing me down. I have to do what’s best for me first and foremost and then we move on from there. I know that I will falter in this many more times but, as long as I find myself back here, choosing me, I’m good. I watched a Hallmark Movie today about Godwinks and I’m on the lookout. I’m hoping this holiday season has some magic in store for me. I don’t think I’d find my Christmas spirit again to not be met with something a little special. We will see.
I’m so happy that I’ve found my way back to the path I’m meant to be on. I am so much better today because of it and have direction. I’m dancing to the beat of my own drum. Now, I’ve got a full day ahead of me tomorrow so I need to get some shut eye. Advice? If you feel stuck, pause to think of what you are doing, the situations you are in, if they are of your choosing or out of obligation. Live the life you love.