I have been so distracted with what’s missing in my life, what should have been that I’ve been neglecting all the wonderful things in my life. I only have a specific amount of time and energy, I need to exert it where it matters. Giving is better than receiving but only if it’s appreciated.
I have been hard on myself for a lot this week and it poured over into my schoolwork. I just wasn’t producing work that was at the level I am satisfied with. I was frustrating myself to no end. Today, on the last day the assignments can be turned in for the week, I somehow found my stride. My family was sitting on the deck with me and although I was focused in on work, just the fact that they were sitting with me, I didn’t feel so alone in the process.
Speaking of alone. I’ve been feeling it. I miss the companionship, I miss being in the relationship, having someone to come home to, to hold me, to go through life with. I am just so torn. This battle I am fighting in my head is neverending. It’s not even a real battle when I already know how it’s going to end. I need attention, I need affection, I need that soul connection.
That’s where redirecting my energy comes into play. I can’t get the fill that I want so, I need to give more emphasis to other important areas. I’ve been pouring myself into my family more and our relationships are stronger than they’ve been in years. I am learning more about my interests and choosing resolutions for the new year, giving myself something to look forward to. Mainly filling my day with regular check-ins and life updates, making me feel important.
I am lucky to be able to process all of this change in my life the way I am. Yes, I would change so many things if it was in my power but, I am doing my best to work with what I have. At least I’m not running from my feelings or myself. I’m not afraid to speak my truth regardless of whose feathers I might ruffle. I used to be accused of being scared but, I’ve learned that was a reflection of what those people were feeling about themselves. I refuse to be lumped with others and prove time and time again how different I am.
My time, my energy, it’s coveted by those that value my worth. Thankfully, I finally know what it is. I’m thankful for the process, I’m standing in my power and acknowledging what’s good in my life…the people that keep me smiling.