I made it through something that I thought would break me. I still feel numb, I guess not fully wanting to accept how things played out. I don’t know how to move forward. I am giving myself time to process everything and and re-evaluate what it is I am doing.
I have been in such a fog anticipating these important dates and the effect they would have on me. It has brought out anger that I didn’t know I had. I’m working on not letting my ego control my thoughts or make me do something in haste. I just want to feel good, I want to feel seen and heard and loved by someone that is choosing to do so. But then we go back to me only wanting that from one person and not the others willing to give it to me. So I have to stop and push that longing aside and remember to focus on me. As long as I keep growing then God will work everything else out the way He intends for it to be.
This year, this journey is about me and I can’t get sidetracked. I’ve been unable to focus on my schoolwork like I usually do and it’s frustrating me. I’ve wanted to retreat to my bedroom and the safety of my bed instead of facing the day. I’m not that person anymore. I’ve been busy and not talking to God as much as I have grown accustomed to and I think that’s where I have to start. Go back to the basics, the things that make me feel whole internally. I can’t rush myself or expect results that do not align with where I am in life. I am blessed with the opportunities I have at my disposal right now, for the love and support I have from people that believe in me and for me not giving up.
I’m taking inventory of the instances recently where I’ve been made a priority in someone’s life. My brother with all the craziness he has going on right now still finds the time each day to video chat with me so I can talk to my Cheese. I’ve seen her chat with her grandparents and she says hi and that’s about it. But with me, she carries me around the house to the point that I get motion sick showing me her toys and making silly faces with me and so forth. I feel very loved. My friend was looking at furniture for their house and sent me pictures because they said they value my opinion. My other friend just got a new job and is working out a position for me to join them, not sure if I’ll take it but they said that they thought of me and how good I would do there. Yet another friend checks on me daily just to say Hi. I’ve been in my own little bubble but I keep getting reminders that I matter. That I may not understand what’s going on with the matters of my heart, others are choosing to make me a priority because I am worth it. Shows me that I have to choose to make me a priority too.
I’ve got this. I always have. I am stronger than any force that comes against me. I can do this alone, I’ve done it before, I don’t think I should have to but, right now, that’s my choice. I have to willingly choose me over everyone else and I’m not there yet. More work is to be done. Gotta get out of this funk.
Anyways, I’ve got work to do and I am overthinking what to write. If I say too much, I give my naysayers ammunition that they don’t deserve. I know I’m going to be okay. That’s what matters. I wish I could write everything on my mind… you’d see I’m a much better writing than you’ve seen lately. Too many internal edits.
“Allow yourself to feel all the feelings, to forgive past mistakes, to grow, to be messy wonderful you. Don’t strive for the perfection that society portrays in abundance causing us to question ourselves and compare to something that isn’t even reality. Just allow yourself to be real: to be beautifully human.” ~ Helen Marie