Numb

Night has fallen on this day and I’m still intact. A few tears found their way down my cheeks but not nearly as many as I expected. I thought about sleeping so I could escape but, I chose not to escape the pain. Last night I was restless and kept asking God to not let me break to pieces, to help me keep my feet firmly on the ground. With that, the numbness came.

I know what today is, I’ve spent the day fighting off thinking of what I would have been doing at that time. The sick feeling that I got in my stomach knowing that when I wake up tomorrow, my last name will still be the same and I’ll be in bed alone. I’ve kept my composure, I’ve dealt with all the emotions and pushed them away. I didn’t get much accomplished that I can show you but, I’m not a broken mess that needs to be swept off the floor either.

I have so many questions running through my mind. So many things I want to say. I want the lump in my throat to go away. I choose me every day. I have to continuously remind myself of that. I am my happiness, I fill my tank. No one else has that power or responsibility anymore. I only control me and I’m pretty fucking awesome now if I do say so myself. I’m a catch gosh darn it…

I firmly believe everything happens for a reason and one day my time will come. I won’t be numb, I won’t have a lump in my throat and only happy tears will be welcomed. For now, I just have to get through this day.

It’s hard not to question God’s plan. To not question why I must endure this. If I’m the only one and if so, what did I do wrong? But, blind faith means I trust Him implicitly and I do. No matter what bad comes my way, I still believe in God and his love for me. This too shall pass.

I’m loving myself a little extra this evening. Accepting that today did not go as planned, as I had hoped but, I was still blessed with a day on this Earth. I’ll take it.

Okay, I don’t want to cry so, I need to end here. Pray for me… I could use some peace and a good night’s sleep. But, if you’ve been on this journey with me for a while. Please smile, be proud that I gracefully got through one of the hardest days of my life by myself. I didn’t forget who I am and what I’ve done to get here. I may be small, but, I am mighty.

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