What Should Be

Another day spent in the what should be phase. What I should be doing today, how I should be feeling, etc. I actually kept it together better today than yesterday but I’m dreading tomorrow. I’ve left me quite a bit of homework to do hoping it will be a distraction from the day. It could be a total failure and I end up not getting anything done but, let’s not think that way.

Nana says I’m torturing myself. I’m not trying to. It is just a lot for me to deal with. I’m still here though, I’m still breathing and still believing in good things. I can tell you, I’ve amazed myself with my strength and courage and determination. Even more is my dedication and commitment. I have held steadfast to what I believe and have not wavered, I have not given in to temptation, i have kept my promises.

I was thinking tonight though as I was driving home… who would I call if something was wrong? If I were in an accident? Whose is the last voice I would want to hear? The answer is still the same two people and neither answer their phone. One is too cool and the other chooses not to now. But it got me thinking, who would they call? Would I be on the shortlist? If not, what am I doing?

I’m not the woman that convinces someone to stay anymore. It’s a bad habit to think of what I’d say, maybe if they just knew this or that but, I can’t, no, I won’t beg someone to see me. I am here, I am strong, confident and beautiful! I deserve to be seen and admired, respected and loved wholly. I cannot take a step back, I know who I am and the man worthy of my love, he does too.

I can’t believe where I’m at or how I got here. This isn’t how it’s supposed to be. What’s worse is it doesn’t have to be this way. Everybody got choices… (do you hear E-40? Yup!) Time is passing and I can’t keep waiting for the blinders to come off. Life is waiting for me. I’ve come a long way baby… but I’m not finished yet. I accept whatever tomorrow brings and I pray that God blesses me for my perseverance.

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