Your Winter

You read my eyes just like your diary,
Oh remember, please remember
Well, I’m not a beggar, but what’s more
If I hurt you, then I hate myself,
I don’t want to hate myself don’t want to hurt you
Why do you choose that pain?
If you only knew how much I love you, no Well I won’t be your winter
I won’t be anyone’s excuse to cry
And We can be forgiven
And I will be here

Accepting responsibility for your mistakes is as necessary as accepting your successes only so much harder to do. For some reason we are equipped to proudly claim victory but avoid admitting defeat. Understanding that there is much to be learned when you are not victorious makes it an easier pill to swallow. We only grow when we choose to see things as they are and not for what we wish them to be. We can wish for the world while our world is right in front of us.

I’ve been through many things in my life. I’ve been met with more adversity than I should have, I’ve been on the receiving end of bad things. I always kept my cool. When I met my equal, my match so to speak, a mirror was put in front of me. He made me face my own demons, showed me all of my flaws and shortcomings, I was not judged for it, only persuaded to do better, be better, rise above all of it. I had never been shown such rawness, no one has ever reached that deep within me to speak directly to my soul. I was a fish out of water, I had no defenses, not that I wanted them, I welcomed the company, I reveled in the fact that a person on this Earth understood me wholly. It brought out the best in me and the worst in me. I wasn’t mean or devious, I wasn’t unfaithful or anything, I gave my all but my all wasn’t as much as I am used to giving.

I have found a way to forgive myself for my shortcomings. I have fully accepted my wrongdoings and the wrongs that have been done to me. I am able to make amends, I can forgive and move forward. I wish when I reached this point that anyone and everyone that I’ve affected would be at the same place but, I know that is not the case. So, as my time comes, I hope to prove to everyone that I am finally the woman they saw in me, that I can give all of me to our connections and vow to only give the best of me moving forward. It’s empowering to hear that my transition is noticeable, that my people knew this woman was in me and how happy they are to see me come into my own.

I hate being the bad guy but, for some, that’s who I need to be for them to keep moving forward. They have not been able to forgive yet and that’s okay. Everyone’s journey is different. I am strong enough to be the opposition to take the heat, but, one day, I’ll have had enough and it will be time to wash my hands of it. I am surrounded by goodness and hope for a better tomorrow. I pray for everyone to get to that place in their lives. It is doable but it takes hard work and determination and an open mind. Hard conversations might need to take place to close doors that desperately need closing but, it will be totally worth it when you feel that weight off of your shoulders and you can connect with that person in a way that was blocked before. The relationship my mom and I have now, I just never thought I would see it, I had given up hope and now, she tells me how proud of me she is all of the time and she truly means it.

I was lost for so long, my foundation, my core, my soul is what connected, what attracted all of the beautiful souls I call friends, family and loved ones. They stayed by me even when I was a shell of a person, one in particular fought for me even when I couldn’t fight for myself. He fought for me. What? He did fight for me. He fought me for me. I thought he never fought for me. What a fool I’ve been. The things that click while I’m writing. Um, that was unexpected. Ya, um, I need to end this here. You get it unedited but, I need to go think. Forgiving and asking forgiveness are not beneath anyone. They are a part of us being human. Think about what you ask for because it may look different than you imagined.

I apologize, sincerely.

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