Sitting on the Deck

Most of the day was spent sitting on the deck enjoying the scenery and the cool breeze. I was out there for hours, my Nana sat with me for a while and so did Raiyhn, Jeremiah checked on me, I watched some Netflix and cruised through social media but most of the time was spent either talking to God or just with myself. I was pretty emotional and I just let it flow. Days like these need to be appreciated, I even had to tell my Nana to slow down, that we had no where we had to be, nothing we had to do and for her to sit back and enjoy the moment. Soon things are going to get busy again and at least I will have the memories of these days that all I had to do was breathe, to keep living and never give up on my dreams. I was out there for at least 6 hours until we had to go celebrate my Nana’s bday at my mom’s. I’m back doing homework now and rushing to get to a point where I can go spend some more time out there soaking up the cool weather and starlit night.

I’m at such an interesting point in my life. I never thought I would be where I am at facing the decisions that I need to make or have the freedom to be me. I am about a month away from being done with my first semester back at college and have maintained As in all my classes (let’s hope I can keep it up all the way through). I am considering a winter class but definitely plan to go back in the Spring. I may take an online class to get a certificate of some sort, so that I might be able to hop into my profession sooner than later. I am looking at books that I want to read – I have decided that I have to read at least one new one a month and suggested to my family that if they want to get me something, I would like it profession related, books, a desktop computer, tablet, office equipment, idk, anything that can advance me to get me moving faster. It’s scary exciting, especially to think of the people I have the potential to help.

I’m considering New Years Resolutions… this year’s turned out to be spot on so next year’s has to be just as telling. Perhaps married and pregnant 2021! Haha, one could hope! Perhaps, new home owner 2021 or career woman 2021… who knows? Honestly, I am just struggling to finish out this year not losing everything that I’ve gained. These few weeks will be the hardest of my life. My sadness is shifting a bit towards anger. I don’t want to be angry so I try fighting it but, then I remember that I don’t have to be going through this or growing through it, or at least not alone. I’m mad, I’m mad for always being the one to fight and never the one fought for. I am mad that my favorite time of year is now the part of the year I am dreading. I have turned into Ebenezer Scrooge because the thought of being happy and having the Christmas spirit with a little part of my heart missing, it’s just not possible. I just keep telling myself that everything happens for a reason and there is a reason I am feeling all of this. There is a reason why tears just start streaming down my face at any given time… I pray this is not my new normal because I may not be perfect but, I deserve to enjoy the holidays.

I can’t fully explain how I am feeling, how torn I am. I am buying things slowly but surely for when I get my own house again and yet not wanting to get one because it will be different. I’ve spent a lot of time in limbo. I don’t regret it. I’ve needed this time. Anyways, I’m going to call it quits for tonight. The night is calling me and I just want to be sitting outside with my thoughts, not staring at a computer screen.

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