What’s On My Mind

I’m in uncharted waters and I know that means growth but, there is so much uncertainty surrounding me. Part of me wants to invite all this change and soak it up while the other part is frightened that in accepting this change that I will be moving away from some things that I just can’t let go of. Life is unpredictable and beautiful and somehow cruel at the same time. I am consumed with thoughts of what I want and what that truly looks like and being hard on myself for not wanting other scenarios to play out. I could be delaying what’s mine by my choices and that’s hard to consider.

Have you ever believed in something with your whole heart? With all of your being? Without a shadow of a doubt you knew it to be true? I know of only one thing that I feel that strongly about. I have made excuses and exceptions, I have compromised on things I would rather not, I have forgiven at times when I didn’t want to, I have done many things that were out of character for me because I knew it was for the greater good. No matter what came my way, I had to ask if it was worth it and as long as my answer was yes, then nothing else mattered. I sit here sometimes ready to denounce what I know in my soul to achieve a sense of satisfaction, of a feeling of being whole or whatever it is I think I will find but, then I ask myself that question and the answer is still yes. Some days I get so angry that the answer is yes, but, more than any anger I can conjure up, the strength of my yes overpowers it and I remain steadfast in my decision to hold firm in what I know is true. Do I know what tomorrow holds or next week? Do I know what my future looks like? No. But, am I sure with all of me that whatever is thrown my way, whatever I have to deal with good or bad is still worth holding on to this thing I believe in with all my heart and soul… YES!

I’ve made decisions in my past that closed doors I didn’t mean to close. I wasn’t thinking clearly or I led with my ego and not my heart. I’ve realized how important it is to not give up on what you want. Yes, you might be swayed or tempted with other options, other things, a different way of thinking but, if you know something to be true and there is no doubt, then I’ve learned to dig my heels in and not give up. There may be consequences but at the end of the day, as long as I stay true to myself, I can handle the rest. This state of unrest, I feel that there’s something coming my way. I can’t put my finger on it, I just have to be ready for whatever it is. I can’t let any doors close without knowing that they weren’t meant for me anyways.

I have found my voice and I’m being vocal about a lot more than I have in the past. I’m actually finding it hard to keep quiet. I am in a combative mood unwilling to allow anyone or anything to take away what I have to say. I’m not sure what this means and I am working on controlling my words as I am well aware that once you say something you can never take it back so, I have to ensure what is said is what I meant. It’s kind of impressive how much I’ve grown, who I am now but it’s scary too. I like plans, I like to know where I am going and know that there’s ground underneath me before I take a leap, but, God is telling me to take a leap of faith and he will reward me for it. There is a lot being asked of me and I’m not sure which direction to go, I just keep reminding myself that I have to do what’s best for me first, me and the kids. Although I wish I could be everything to everyone else simultaneously, I used to tell someone else that we had to ensure our house was in order before we could help anyone else, and now that there’s only me to take care of this house, it’s solely my responsibility to make sure it’s in order. I have to make sure that me and mine are okay, that we are taken care of before I give any of my time or energy to others. It’s hard to do.

Mom and I have been talking quite a bit about where my heads at. How I know what I want and I am not willing to settle. Thankfully I was met with a rightly so. I’m not a little girl, I am not a young woman, I don’t have all of the time in the world to waste being willy nilly. Especially now that I know what I want. Why commit to anything else when it doesn’t match up? I know that I could live a good life but, I want a great life. I am not talking about money and houses and cars, my dreams are simple. My wants and desires are straight from the heart and don’t involve anything lavish. I am building a future, I am strengthening the foundation, I am paving the way. I have been knocked down many times but I always get back up and continue the fight. I may not see the light at the end of the tunnel, but, I know it’s there. I keep my faith, I remain steadfast in my beliefs and I’ll fight for what I want.

If she’s amazing, she won’t be easy. If she’s easy, she won’t be amazing. If she’s worth it, you won’t give up. If you give up, you’re not worthy. Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for. ~ Bob Marley

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