I have never looked at Google as much as I have since Tuesday evening. I keep refreshing the screen hoping that something different will appear. Hoping that we will be victorious and knowing that if we aren’t, I still have to respect the person that was elected POTUS. Waiting is so stressful and all of the press coverage doesn’t instill confidence in the American people. My fingers are still crossed and my prayers are constant.
I’ve had these feelings before. More than once in my life. Waiting to hear news on something that could impact and/or change my life forever. Wishing and praying that things will go my way while preparing myself to accept the worst case scenario should it come. I’ve unfortunately lived in that state for years at a time and not by anyone else’s doing but my own. So used to getting my hopes up to be let down, used to when things go right for them to then go so very wrong. I learned to live half accepting life as it was and half waiting and preparing for it all to disappear. It’s a losing game either way, I learned that the hard way. If you are not fully present where you are at, in that moment then you are not experiencing it or life as you were meant to. If you are worrying about tomorrow, you will never appreciate today and today is all we have. Right now is the only guarantee of life we get because anything can happen in a second and that moment, our life, can be taken away. It pains me to think of all the moments I let slip me by.
2020 was supposed to be my year – Happy & Healthy 2020, that was my promise to myself. Early on, plans were made that changed my life and I was living my best life (even though I was a mess). Before April even hit, I was facing a new reality and in the midst of losing my dreams, my identity, pieces of my heart, I made the brave decision to find me. Although this year is far from what it was meant to be, it’s still been my year. It has been the most trying, most frustrating, most beautiful, most satisfying year of my life. I have loved harder than ever this year, I have cried more tears than if we combined years passed, I have been to the depths of my soul, I have faced my demons, I have prayed to God and my angels, I have gone from hating the woman in the mirror to loving and respecting her, and so much more. God meant it when he put it in my heart that this is my year. I didn’t understand until this very moment. He told me it was MY YEAR. My is singular, he didn’t tell me it was our year or their year, he said it was mine. He was absolutely right. This year was about me. He forced me to dedicate time to myself because I wasn’t choosing me. I still wish I wouldn’t have lost all I did in the process but, He does what He has to in order to get our attention. I know that I will be rewarded for my sacrifice, for the heartbreak, for my loss….. I’ll pray that I have a say in what that looks like.
Winning is not the point. With the presidential election or with life. It’s who can come out of the other end of something that has the potential to break them and still can be a human being first. That can still be kind and patient, respectful and willing to risk it all to continue to try. I wanted to give up and give in and I just knew I couldn’t. I knew I was better than that, I knew that I had someone looking at me, learning from me, needing me to carry on because he believed in me. No matter how imperfect our lives may be, I am his hero, I am the person that makes everything all better, I am his biggest supporter and bestest fan, and he loves me more than I could ever deserve and I have the honor of calling him son. In my darkest hour he reminds me that God loves me so much to have blessed me with him. I’m not attempting to win a race, I am not competing with anyone except myself. I just want to be happy, happy with the ones I love, in a home that I earned by working hard and being a decent human being. I want to make memories and appreciate all the little things, the moments that escape us when we blink, I want to laugh and smile and be my silly me with those that love and appreciate me. That’s winning. People choosing you over anyone else because, in their eyes, no one compares.
Find your happiness in moments, moments that are unexpected, in conversations that are unplanned, in moments of gratitude or giving, be happy right this moment, smile because you are important.