I have not been the same, I have so much running through my mind as I attempt to complete multiple tasks at a time and also make myself a priority. With this election and just the overall nature of a shift occurring, I am in a transitional state myself. I have been pre-occupied and although, I have been nothing but smiles as of late, I am still questioning if I am losing sight of the direction I have been heading. I don’t want to sacrifice what I’ve been doing for anything really. But, I keep wondering if these new additions and distractions are purposefully put in my life to be in it more permanently or pose as a distraction to derail my efforts. So, that’s where I am at right now, giving myself time to figure things out, to work out what’s in my life, how it got there and if it should stay, if I should open up to accept these new things or continue as I was.
I got to hold my nephew this evening, I had him for about half hour. I got to look into his eyes and tell him how much I love him and how I’ll always be here whenever he needs me. It’s something that I have told his older sisters numerous times. I love those babies, they share my last name. I feel honored, I didn’t know the Andrades growing up and my last name had no meaning to me, it was just a last name, one I couldn’t wait to change and take on a last name that meant something to me. With the births of my nieces and nephews, I have other Andrades to share my name with, my brother and I are the elders with that name and have the ability to make these three believe in it’s strength, determination, perseverance and so much more. I am excited to have them be proud of the name and not feel like it has no meaning. I think God gives me this clarity at this time to heal my heart the month that I was to take on a last name with meaning. It’s like a consolation prize. One day my last name will change…., well, I hope.
Distractions are abound, everywhere I look there is something that I want to be doing more than schoolwork or focusing on me. I love family and always want to put them first. So, being here, and being able to help and just be around babies, oh, I’m in heaven. To pull myself away from them to dedicate time to schoolwork is hard. I stay up later than everyone else to get work done but the later I stay up the harder it is to wake up in the morning and I have to be able to take care of the kids. It’s a never-ending cycle, at least while I am still here. This is what I do though, I am good at started something but then when doubt creeps in, I find a reason to bail before I see it through. I can’t and won’t allow myself to do that this time. I’ve worked too hard, I am in week 10 and still have all A’s. I have been told that I work at a higher caliber than others and it’s impressive how I hold myself to such a high standard. I know this next month is going to be difficult, personally and with school but, as long as I continue to admit what I am feeling and thinking and face things head on, I am hoping God will guide me through this more easily than some other things this year.
Oh, the holidays are coming up and I don’t know whether to be happy and excited or just wish for them to be over with. I love the holidays, I love this time and being with family and decorating and Christmas movies and everything festive. I have always loved this time of year but, it will be different this year and not in the way that I would like. Jeremiah and I were talking about Christmas just last night and what he wants and other things. Christmas movies are being released and I can’t make myself watch them. I’m used to getting crap for watching so many and then forcing the fam to watch a few, or at least with my mother in law. We don’t have a tree at my Nana’s house and my son is getting older, these memories of decorating a tree are huge things since we had a table top fiber optic tree for the first 7 years of his life. All he wants is our own place, perhaps something will work out where I can make that happen and we can have our own tree as well. That would be magical.
I don’t feel as if I am giving as much time to things as I am used to but I also know that patterns can be amended and I have to be willing to accept change. The one thing I know is I don’t want to lose ground. I have to make sure that nothing comes between making me a priority. Other than that, as I figure it all out I guess I should be happy that I am smiling and in a good mood and that I am not sick with worry or stress. I know that God has a plan, and I’m giving Him space to make it happen. I am okay with where I am at right now and as long as I can keep my attention to school and doing what I set my mind to, I am confident that everything will be okay. Gotta perceive it to receive it!