Unbalanced

Feeling unbalanced these last couple of days. Super happy with all of the experiences I’ve faced and memories I am making but, I like structure and there hasn’t been any. We are flying by the seat of our pants. I had a little cuddle bug up against me all last night and every time I tried to move she woke up. There was no schoolwork done or a chance for me to get back to my post to update. It’s a great “problem” to have though.

Today was another day that had significance in my life, another day that was going to be hard. I was so distracted there were only a handful of moments that I had to excuse myself so I could cry. I was to attend a wedding this evening and couldn’t. My best friend’s daughter married the love of her life in a Halloween themed ceremony. I was hoping that the joyous occasion could help me fill the void I have from mine not happening. I know I’m where I need to be, I just really needed that happy but, it’s okay.

My thoughts on things are changing so much. I’m really doing for me because I can’t wait and hold my breath forever. It’s doing me a disservice and I can’t continue to put my life on hold. I’m done doing what’s expected, so, I’m planning a few things that are out of my comfort zone. I don’t know where they’ll lead me but, I’m not scared to find out. There are other things I’ve kept at bay, not willing to give them the attention they deserve, stuck in my ways. I can’t be the woman I want to be if I don’t allow myself the opportunity of possibilities. I have been met with understanding and compassion and I am being compelled to reciprocate.

Tomorrow is another first as I meet my nephew for the first time. As I begin the first day of one of the most significant and important months of my life. God has been preparing me to be able to withstand a storm if one should come…and I think I feel the winds kicking up. There’s a song my Lifehouse called Everything. It’s everything I’ve ever wanted a man to feel about me and I thought I had found him. This song has taught me a lot, it says how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you…. but, I’ve been asking myself how it can someone know me so well and know I’m hurting and not care? Can someone be the one if even miles away and disagreements they aren’t still moved by you? Don’t I deserve more?

I move people I shouldn’t in ways that they shouldn’t by just being me. How can I be the flame that ignites one’s soul and the water to put another’s out? I don’t know what’s up or down anymore but, I’m working it on… by myself. It’ll all come to me if I don’t give up, as long as I can be honest with myself . I know what I want to feel and I’m not feeling it right now. I could though…. there’s always possibilities!

So, I am past exhaustion and I have a cry baby to put to sleep. Goodnight my friends. Enjoy this full moon, things are about to change. It’s time for another elevation!

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