Lately I am feeling and thinking opposite things at the same time. Have you ever experienced that? It’s complicated and overwhelming and confusing. I am happier than I have ever been and yet sadder at the same time. I am hopeful of what’s to come and yet dreading the days that are approaching. My heart is full and yet I am heartbroken. I am stronger than I have ever been and I feel like my knees are about to buckle. I am taking a breath of fresh air as I struggle to breathe. All of this is the truest way to communicate just a fraction of what’s happening to me. Trying to make sense of it is more time consuming than the amount of time I have available. So, it’s taking longer to get through than I would like.
I am learning to delegate my time more than I have had to in recent months and while I feel rushed and a little unbalanced, I welcome the challenge. When you want to make something or someone a priority, you find the time and that’s what I have been doing. I may have to stay up until all hours of the night to ensure I get my schoolwork done but, that’s what I have to do and I’m doing it. My eyes are red from being on the computer for such long periods of time but, we are in week 9 of school and my grades are still over 95%. Tomorrow life gets a little more complicated and I will have to manage my time more than I have had to and for a very good reason. Tomorrow is a very special day and it still has the potential to become even more wonderful. My emotions all over the place, extreme happiness and then the realization that some things I want for my life may be slowly slipping away from me as the days pass and I get older. I pray God will grant me my prayer, even if it comes with the struggles I’ve faced before…
When you’re faced with what’s important, with what matters, when you take inventory of what you have and where you are things become more clear. Put one hand out to wait for something to fall in it and use the other to grab something, which will be full first? The one where you went for what you want and didn’t just wait around for it to happen. I’ve made the bold choice to move forward with the things I want in my life. I am willing to sacrifice what I need to and to work harder than ever to get them, without the assistance or expectation of assistance from anyone. I feel like I am walking on firm ground now, I am no longer waiting for the carpet to pulled out from underneath me. Don’t ever think that you can’t have it all, that you can’t have what you need and some of what you want. Give it to God and he will provide all you need. If you follow His guidance, you may just get what you want as well. Don’t dwell on the negative, don’t live in the past, even if it was great…. what’s meant for you is waiting for you.
I have super hard days ahead of me and I don’t doubt there will be tears and sadness but, I hope that God will continue to shine His light on me. All the this and thats, all the mixed emotions and thoughts, I wouldn’t change it for anything. I cherish my memories and what I have been through. I rather be in this limbo a little longer. My heart is being filled by little Andrade girls and soon a little Andrade boy. My longing for my own little princess is a little less and yet more than ever these days. Prayers…from my lips to God’s ears.
Homework beckons and I’ve got an early morning so I bid you farewell. “All action results from thought, so it is thoughts that matter. – Sai Baba