I catch me taking pictures of myself more than usual. Then I go back to them in disbelief of the person that is captured in that picture. She is me but she looks good. Yes, at certain angles you can see my extra but even that doesn’t bother me. I look at the picture on my lock screen of my family and how happy I was when that picture was taken, I was on top of the world with everything I had going my way but I didn’t look it. I was overweight and unhealthy and very unhappy with myself. I see the person that are in my pictures now and I wish I could transplant her into those pictures. She fits, she belongs with that family. I can’t believe the difference self esteem makes on the outside as well on the inside. I am like a new person. I feel so good when I see the woman I have become shows through into what people see when they look at me. I need to push more on my weight and that’s my goal before 2021 hits, to lose another 20 lbs. I know I can do it. I have things to do and being a skinnier version of me will just make it that much better.
I was harder on myself last night than I needed to be but I made up with it today but getting a little dressed up for my day. I always feel better and ready to conquer the world when I feel good about myself. I got some stuff done and made more headway with my niece, yes, my name is Hiya…. it’s so cute! I love unique little nicknames and Hiya is way better than Auntie. I got to see my nephew move all around his momma’s belly tonight and play with my little Cheese more than I have ever done so before. I feel seen in a way I haven’t in a while. I have so much love and support and people that are making me a priority, it’s much needed and appreciated on those days when my mind wanders. Everything is changing, I have so many opportunities, so many directions in which I can go, I have never been in a place where I am now. It’s invigorating and overwhelming and I know that if I just keep moving forward that when the time is right, God will show me the way.
I have a ton of homework to still do before I can get some shut eye and yet here I am yammering on. I just gotta say, it’s nice for people to just get you. When you have those people, or even if it’s one person, don’t let them get away. I have a handful of people that just get me, even one that wishes they didn’t I’m sure, but, I don’t want to teach someone how to understand me, how to move with me in unison. If it’s right, it should just click, friendships, relationships, jobs, etc. Knowing what it feels like makes it harder to accept anything less. I’m silly, I make dorky puns, I reference movie quotes and song lyrics all of the time. I say panther with a long a, I have quirky little catchphrases and inside jokes and I am inching towards 40. You can teach an old dog tricks but, I don’t have patience to teach anyone to get me…. you get me? Lol. Knowing how I want my life to look, knowing what it should feel like makes it easier to hold out for it. It may not come in the shape or person that I was planning on but, I know that God has something in store for me and I am truly hopeful. I mean, he knocked it out of the park already, I’d rather keep the homer I had than chance it again but, only time will tell. Right now, I am looking to tomorrow and what’s in store for me. I am loving myself and learning more every day. I am open to possibilities even ones I may not want. God gives us what we need, not what we want and some of those things are popping up in my life asking for attention….
Ion even like you… Haha, just kidding. I’m in a playful mood and all I have is my history book and you. So, you’ll have to put up with my silliness for a few moments longer. All I can say is believe in yourself. Nothing bad will come of it. When you truly believe in you, you make it easier for others to follow suit, it’s contagious. At times, all of this is scary and lonely but then I have to look at my wrist and remember to have faith. I am exactly where I am supposed to be even if I don’t understand it and so are you. So, choose to make the best of your situation or if you are that unhappy, choose to change it because only you can. At the end of the day you have to speak up for yourself, love yourself, take care of yourself. We are told to be half of a partnership, you know 50%, that’s some bullshit because when you find yourself alone, you need to be 100% of a person. So, go be 100%, I’ll be 100% and when it’s time for a relationship again, be a whole you with a whole other person, you’ll be winning because while others are still trying to function at 100%, you two will be vibrating at 200%! Winning! I love being a whole Stephie…. my camera roll can prove it. LMAO. Anyways, sweet dreams ya’ll, we are back at it tomorrow.