An Off Day

Ugh, I just took a midterm and got a B. I am so upset with myself right now I don’t even feel like writing tonight. I may question the Professor on 3 answers but, I am super disappointed in myself right now to say the least. 86 out of 100… like come on, that’s not me. I knew the answers, I just read the question a different way. Now I have to push even harder to make up for it. I know I am supposed to allow myself to make mistakes but not like this, not with school. Just, so mad.

Anyways, I thought about something today, I was with my niece while her mommy and daddy were working in their room. She was crying her head off because she wanted them and even though it was hard, they didn’t come out because she has to get used to only me watching after her when they are in the hospital for the arrival of my nephew. It broke my heart and all I could do was console her, remind her that I love her and I’m always going to be here for her. She eventually came around and we’ve been best buds since. I remember thinking as the tears were streaming down her face that I know how she feels, that the ones she loves are so close but they are so far away and they know she is hurting and they aren’t coming to make it all better. Here I was, someone she didn’t want, didn’t need and yet, I am the one that was there. I didn’t give up on her, I didn’t stop holding her or talking to her, I supported her through her tears. Now she doesn’t love her mommy and daddy any less but now, she has a deeper appreciation for her Auntie (Hiya). Auntie’s right there with her and I’m all mixed up about it.

I learn so much about life and family when I am here watching a family stick together, they are not perfect but, they are a family nonetheless. Nothing and no one can penetrate what they’ve built and that’s the way a family is supposed to be. They put each other first above all else and there’s not doubt the love that they share. My momma, she didn’t have much to give us and life wasn’t always perfect but she showed us that life is about love, to get through it, you love with all you’ve got and you hope you find the right people to love you the same way. I’ve got a boy that whenever he’s talking about the future with his friends always says how he is going to take care of his momma. He’s going to buy me a car, a house, whatever I want… now, I plan on being able to take care of myself but I love that his future plans include making sure I am well taken care of, that’s a sign that I’m raising him right. I was talking with my brother, telling him what a good daddy he is and letting him know how proud I am. We didn’t have a dad, a father figure to teach us how to be, and he took the lack of having a dad and turned into a great one. He could have easily shirked his responsibility like our father but he chose the opposite and his girls adore him. I said that Miah and I have conversations like this a lot. It’s important that he learns from not having a guy stick around, that he can choose to do so, to do the opposite of what he has seen. If for some reason he can’t work it out with the mother than he can still be very involved in the child’s life.

One day I am going to be able to take a break from lessons. God will have hopefully taught me enough, I will have gone through enough that I can just enjoy happiness for a little while without having to learn something. I am doing my best to not have to learn things the hard way and yet, that’s how most of my lessons find me. They come out of left field and I am unprepared. I still tackle them and make the best of how things end up but, it sure does take a lot out of me. I am happy with my life, I’m so glad that I am able to assist my family and make memories with the Andrade girls… we are the best around! Haha. I was able to catch up on sleep last night, around 7 hours in a row! WOW, I know. My eyes weren’t bloodshot for the first time in weeks but, I’m back to burning the midnight oil tonight. School doesn’t stop and I have to keep moving with it. I am still super mad at myself but, I will hopefully get over it and focus on something else. I have a few things I can think of…. I never know where my next smile is going to come from these days. I look forward to the exciting things waiting for me in the time to come. Okay, okay, I gotta go sulk and start on some work.

Think good thoughts for me. Thanks!

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