Although I was stuck in the house today and have yet to begin my schoolwork for the week, this day has been amazing!!I know I sound like a broken record but there are signs everywhere. Everything, everyone, that comes into your life is for a reason. Sometimes things take time because you’re not ready for them yet. I just can’t believe how blind I was for so many years, that it took me losing what I’ve always prayed for and dreamed of for me to take my blinders off and see what was in front of me all of the time.
Have you heard of the movie Last Christmas? I love Christmas movies and rom-coms so, Honey and I were supposed to watch it last year when it came out, we just never got around to it. My mom has been bugging me for months to watch it because she absolutely loves it. I considered watching it for my Movie Critique this weekend but, I couldn’t get into it. This afternoon I sat down and watched it. I know now that I was meant to watch it this very day and not a moment sooner. The impact it had on me what I took from it, these messages will change my life. The main character, Kate, is lost in the beginning of the movie and struggling, but, is okay with not being able to find herself in a roundabout way. She comes upon Tom who makes her look up, take notice of the things people take for granted and over the course of the time they spend together, he is like a mirror of everything wrong in her life and guides her to what she needs to make herself whole. She goes from being a mess with dirty hair and no sense of direction for her life to well put together, happy, early for work and making a difference for not only herself but others. She finds herself in doing good for others. Wanting a commitment and afraid she won’t get it, she confesses to Tom that she can’t fix her heart to give it away to be broken again. That sentence keeps playing over and over in my head. It’s why I was meant to watch this movie today. This is where I am at in my life.
To add icing to the cake, I text my mom telling her the movie was great and made me cry. She said that Kate wasn’t broken anymore and I said neither was I. My mom, she said she knew, that they all can see and they are proud of me. I cried in a way I never have. All I’ve ever wanted was my mom to be proud of the person I am. I thanked her and told her this to which she replied that she has always been proud of me. I told her that no, she is finally proud of who I am now, not who she wanted me to be. That she wanted me to be the girl I was but, I couldn’t go back, I had to move forward and be the woman I was meant to be. I am finally her, I love her and that’s who my mom sees too. That’s the person she is proud of. This woman, they are one in the same FINALLY! I wept quietly and to myself because I didn’t want anyone to ask why I was in tears. That moment was mine, I had waited so long for it and didn’t want to explain to anyone what I was feeling. I sat there for a long while thinking of everything, taking in what had just transpired and thanking God for His hand in it. I had given up on what I needed from my mom, I set out to make myself happy for me only and in doing that, in choosing me, she sees me for who I am and not who she wants me to be. I just leveled up again. AND, yet again, I don’t have my person to share this momentous moment with. I had to keep it to myself and now, I share it with you.
I’ve worked so damn hard to be here. To be in this mindset. I am ready for the next step but understand that I must be guided with patience and understanding rather than haste. Running into something could allow me to stumble into habits or mistakes of the past instead of the slow and steady approach that I can make decided moves and thus be happier in the long run. I am led by faith and I can feel change in the air. I am beyond delighted with how the day played out. Of course, still some parts of my life that I am missing… but, I choose to be happy for what I have and what’s in store. I can’t fret about what’s not in my control. I’m breaking barriers though….