Trapped in an Hourglass

6 years ago today I went on my first real date with the love of my life. I was so nervous all day, I spent hours getting ready because I just had to look perfect. We were going to dinner and I was afraid that beyond work we wouldn’t have anything in common. I was afraid that we wouldn’t be able to keep the conversation going or that in spending time alone with me, he would realize that I wasn’t someone he could be with. A man that I felt that I had known for lifetimes the minute I saw him actually asked me out on a date and it could be the beginning of our forever in this lifetime and I was worried that I wouldn’t measure up, that I wasn’t enough, not special to be able to share the space that he was in, to occupy his time. But, I got myself together and went anyways because I knew in my heart that any time with this man was better than none at all. God, with His hand in it, we were never at a loss for words, our conversation flowed melodically through the night and we had so much to say, we had a lifetime of memories to catch each other up on so that we could begin our forever in this life together. The way he looked at me, that smile on his face, no one has ever looked at me in that way, no one has ever seen me, I mean seen me the way he has. He’s my other half and therefore, he has the power to see me in a way that only true loves can. That smile, oh, that smile, it’s meant for only me. He’s never smiled that way at anyone else in the time that I’ve known him. It’s the most magical feeling in the world. We kept the evening going and drove to look out at the stars, he came behind me an put my hand in his as he pointed out constellations to me and we kissed. I was in heaven, all of the stars were aligning, the heavens were smiling down on us, letting us know that good can happen if we only give in to it. We fell asleep talking in the car and we drove home in the early hours of the next morning. That’s when our love story officially began.

Life for us for a while, we were in a secret bubble, people didn’t know we were together but, we were and the kids were happy. We were one happy little family. Then of course the newness wears off and the everyday realities set in an although we didn’t always see eye to eye, our love got us through it. As long as the four of us were together, we had more than we could ever need and in our tiny little apartment with hardly any furniture, love filled it so much that we lived like kings. Things got harder, jobs didn’t go our way, so many people doubted what we had and we struggled to get to where we wanted to be but as I said, we always had each other. Sometimes we prevented our own growth, sometimes we couldn’t compromise on even the smallest of things. When money was tight the problems seemed bigger but, we always found ways to be silly, to spend time as a family and make memories. We chose our family over everything and we were lucky because I guess that’s a rarity. Family movie nights were a regular thing for us, that meant at least one movie, lots of candy and junk food and soda and all of us in front of the television together enjoying our time. How do others not do this? It was our thing.

While I don’t have time to go through everything, this date is a significant day in my life. Sitting here watching a movie over and over for my Mass Media assignment, I feel as if I am trapped in a hourglass and the sand it quickly falling on top of me as the day draws closer to an end. I thought I would hear something. I wasn’t expecting him to pull up in his white Dodge Ram and propose marriage but, maybe a hey, maybe ask me out on a date so we could begin again. Maybe just acknowledging what today is and that he knows because he can feel how sad I am that we are not together to share it. Then the memories on snapchat and google photos of the past years, oh, so hard. Last year I sent him a video on Snapchat with Tell Me by Groove Theory and I said Five Years Baby! I just feel as if time is running out. Wondering if he feels it too, if his heart aches as mine does. This family, we need each other. The time apart was necessary for us to learn how to grow on our own and for us to appreciate what we had, to be able to prepare us not to fall victim to the mistakes of our past. I had hoped that this day would be the stepping stone for our future and as each grain of sand falls, as each second passes, I feel me holding my breath a little bit more and my prayers getting louder and stronger and perhaps desperate. I am his and he is mine. I have been faithful to him and the promises that I made to God. I have been pure in my own growth and the intentions for my life. I know that our story is not over, I know that God has more in store and it’s so heartbreaking that I know he knows this, I can feel him, we are connected and he is fighting what his heart is telling him. Why continue to hurt me when it’s not necessary?

Tonight I planned to drive to the spot we first looked at the stars but, my car isn’t driving so well and I shouldn’t drive if I can’t stop the tears from falling. So, I’ll walk across the street and look up at the stars like I would when my little would come over and we did it together. I’ll stare at the stars and call upon my angels in heaven to guide me through this .

Ready for our first date 10/18/14

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