Last night after I published my blog I received a notification telling me that was my 200th post! I was in disbelief and had to add the notification to the post. I have consistently for 200 days straight without a break, chosen to do something solely for my benefit. It’s unreal. I’m contemplating going back and reading some of the posts from when I first started so that I can compare who I was then to who I am now. Back then it was a struggle to take time out of my day to commit to this and now, it’s part of my evening ritual, writing this is a habit. I think about it throughout my day and as thing occur and try to decide if it will become relevant to my post. I am in such a different mental state and it’s in big part to this here. This has been my outlet and even on the days that no one reads my posts, it’s okay because I am doing this for me. I still chose me, I still chose to write this and that’s what matters.
I have a lot running around in my head again but I am doing a good job of not allowing it to affect my attitude. I was up off and on last night as my mind need to sort through some things and it chose early hours of the morning to do so. Thankfully I don’t fight these moments but instead allow my mind to do what it needs to so I can hurry up and get back on track. I didn’t wake up refreshed but, I woke up and that’s much to give thanks for. I am feeling unsettle which means I must be in a state of growth again. I’m excited to see what will come about this time. My boy just grew. He went through a little growth spurt and put on a bit of weight. He is now 5’11’ and weighs 128lbs. He is very proud of himself. With his grade and everything, this boy is on the right path. The way he loves and supports his momma has reached new heights. I fell asleep during the day the other day because I went to sleep late and he made sure that no one bothered me so I could get some rest. I thought that was so sweet.
For my Mass Media class we learned about movies this week and I have been tasked with watching a movie I’ve seen before at least two times and do some research about the movie. We have to pull out pop-culture references etc. I’m really enjoying this class and all of the thinking it’s making me do about mass media and the affect it has on us. Music is part of my every day life and helps my mood and express my feelings. Last week we learned about television and I had to write a paper comparing the decades and how current culture played a role in what was on television. I remembered watching Roseanne and wishing that Dan was my dad. I was in awe of him and how much he loved his kids. Til this day, if I could choose a man to be my dad it would be him. So now with the movie, there were a bunch that came to mind… although not are accessible without having to pay to watch them and I wasn’t about to do that. I settled on Valley Girl and am halfway through watching it. I have to watch it again after this. I think I made the right decision but, I am not sure. I was going to go with 10 Things I Hate About You or Crazy Rich Asians, I am debating if I should switch to Pretty in Pink, then there’s Ramen Girl. Too many movies to choose from but I think Valley Girl would be an easy one to write about, it’s loosely based off of Romeo & Juliet, it’s got the Julie and her friends from the Valley and then Randy from Hollywood, I mean it’s like the Socs and Greasers you know? I’m all about that dynamic and love conquering everything that is meant to tear it apart.
Anyway, I am very proud of myself and this accomplishment. I can’t wait until I reach my 365th post meaning I’ve been at this a whole year. I hope by then my circumstances have improved exponentially and I’ll be talking about different things. Only God knows. We have to celebrate the small victories. That’s what I kept telling Charlie yesterday will spinning and tossing the flag. She may not be doing it right at the time but as long she is improving, there’s lots to be thankful for. Life is too short for us always waiting for something to be perfect to be celebrated, too much is missed out on and we are teaching our kids that the little victories they reach each day don’t matter. I’ve changed my ways, when Miah gets a good grade on a test or when he gets called on by a teacher and answers the question correctly, he gets a high five or a good job or a I’m so proud of you. I am going to fill this boy full of love and confidence so I don’t have to worry about him needing to find himself in his late 30’s. I hope that one day I will be able to continue my work with my little as well because that boy is going places….. he’s set his sights on space and I want to help propel him there. I’ve learned that the way I think of myself and care for myself, I am teaching the same to my children. Now that I am in a good place, now that I love myself, I need to work double time to break the habits I’ve helped to create, to clear the doubt and confusion and make them strong, confident men. That when they make a decision, right or wrong, they own that shit…..like I always tell them. I’m owning the woman I was, the woman I am and the woman I am becoming.
There are beautiful things on the horizon….. Let’s celebrate after all of the hard work we put in to get here. It was all worth it. Love yourself and love your people. xoxo