All of Me

You know the song, it needs no explaining. Tonight, I speak purely from my heart, not my brain.

Even when I lose I’m winning, I don’t think truer words have ever been spoken. That’s when you know that the person you are with is the one, when even your bad day is a good day because you have them. When you have been hurt to the point that you don’t feel like anyone could love you, when you don’t love yourself and yet, out of nowhere, they show up, and understand you on a level no one else has ever come close to, they love your flaws, they take on your pain as their own, your successes, your dreams are now theirs.

What’s so fucked up about this world and all the hurt we cause each other is that we search our lives for the love of our life right? That’s one of our ultimate goals. So we search, high and low and go through some that just destroy us, break us beyond recognition and discard us like we are garbage. After that, we are jaded, untrusting, left with issues of abandonment, lack of self worth and skeptical of love. Don’t you know, at that point, we aren’t looking for anyone, we threw in the towel, called it quits, waved our white flag and then God steps in reminding us that He and only He is in charge and it’s not over yet. Unknowing how it even happened, “the one” comes into your life, unexpected, and perhaps even unwanted and they breathe a breath of fresh air into our lives…making everything colorful and bright again. Still damaged from the past hurt, we struggle to forget and forgive so that we can fully embrace what’s standing in front of us. It’s a cruel situation to have the culmination of all your dreams and prayers there beside you, choosing you, holding your hand, walking through life with you, loving you and you are so messed up in your head that you can’t enjoy it, you’re just waiting, and preparing yourself, your heart for when they leave, when they do you wrong, because that’s what you’ve come to expect, that is what you’ve been shown over and over again. Unintentionally, you cause your own damage to what was meant to be your happily ever after.

My life has changed in ways that I will never be able to explain because those words, those feelings, they are mine and mine alone. What I feel now, this being torn between the good I have in my life and what I know I want, what I know is missing and I can’t do anything about it but pray, I feel helpless.

The things that matter the most to me, the moments, the days, the holidays, they are here, and we’ve created traditions, and the days are more special because they are shared with the ones we love. I was told that the holidays didn’t matter until me, I made them what they are, I made them special and matter and relevant. But, the truth is, it’s the connection, that’s what makes it special, God brought us together and He simultaneously plugged in our Christmas lights, revealing how beautiful our lives were meant to be shared together. He turned two people’s dark rainy skies into a bright sunny day with clear skies, and on some days we even got the rainbow!

To some these days might just be days but, it’s so much more to me. Birthdays for me, when I was little, we never had parties with friends and a bunch of presents. It was my mom, Nana, me and my brother. My mom made dinner, she made a cake and Nana bought ice cream and we got to open a couple of presents. Birthdays were about celebrating with the people we love, not about the things. So, not being with the people I love on my special day or theirs, it hurts more than maybe for someone else. It’s not just a day, it’s the day God gifted you to this Earth. It’s the day that God put you on Earth knowing full well that you were meant to be loved by me and I was meant to be loved by you and that is something special. With all of the people in this world, with all of the variables, somehow, some way, we still found our way to each other. THAT IS DIVINELY GUIDED.

You are my end and my beginning. You ended my past and gave me a future, a family. Distance separates us but, I always carry you with me.

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