We learn life lessons everywhere we go, in everything we encounter, it just depends on if we pick up on them. So, as you know, I have always been a chicken little, if something major happens, I freak out for a moment but, I always get on task and do what is required of me. I know and understand that my customary freak out, although normal to me, can stress others out. My brain just automatically thinks the worst and then works backwards from there. I think it is a valuable asset but that is not always how it comes across. I think worst case scenario and ensure I have a plan for that, if I do, then anything else that is a lesser scenario shouldn’t be so hard to tackle. I prefer to think of every possible scenario so that I am not left looking like a fool.
I come at my projects with this way of thinking but not always my life in general. I would frustrate a certain someone because I would come with problems not solutions, in my head, I was thinking of all the possible problems to have them out in the open and then we could get to the solutions but, what was in my head wasn’t always outwardly communicated because I thought I was just understood. Assuming right? Silly, me. I tackle my assignments with as much knowledge as I can possibly attain prior to quizzes, papers, etc. so that if I am required I am prepared to zig instead of zag. I watched a pre-recorded lecture for Statistics today because I didn’t feel I had comprehended the material enough to take the quiz and as I said, I wanted to allow myself access to as much information as I could. Nearly no one in the class had read the chapter prior to logging onto the zoom, again, this was pre-recorded so, I felt bad that I was unable to chime in with the answer. You could hear the frustration in the professor’s voice as instead of answering questions about the material, she had to teach the chapter. Luckily for me, she answered some question to the quiz I have to take. But, I gained a new appreciation for my approach to school and the way I tackle things.
Having to do things on my own and not have my rock that I grew accustom to having was a difficult transition, I will not lie. I had never had an individual that I could count on like that, someone to help me carry the weight of our lives, to be my sounding board, my cheering section and my second in command or first depending on the situation. I took advantage of his strength and deferred more to him than I should have, it just felt so damn good to not have to do it on my own or at all because my man, YES, for once in my life, I had a MAN, that was enough to wear the pants, to make the decisions, to slay the dragons, to steer the ship and I could finally assume my role as woman and take a back seat. I went a little too extreme and didn’t share the load as I should have. Wow, did that slap me in the face having to go it alone right when this pandemic hit. I had to venture out by myself and get what was needed for my family. I had to be the strength when my Nana got sick and then my Uncle. I had to make quick decisions, I had to fight with doctors, I had to be the leader for my family. I was pushed into a situation that didn’t give me the luxury of panicking first, I had to work off gut feelings and quick reactions and I did it all on my own. I learned a lot about me in that time, what I was capable of and how wrong I was that when I finally was blessed with a man to share the load, I selfishly unloaded it all on him. I didn’t do it to be mean, I don’t even think I really understood what I had done. I was so used to doing it by myself, I naturally assumed he could, and while he could and he did, he shouldn’t have had to, that’s the point Steph!
Anyways, preparation is always key, preparing a grocery list prior to heading to the store, packing your bags before you head out on a trip, doing your homework before a quiz, balancing your checkbook before you spend money on frivolous things, it all makes sense. I’ve learned that the more I prepare for something, it seems the easier the task is to accomplish. When I have a grocery list, I don’t spend as much time in the store and I don’t spend as much money because I stick to the list. It makes sense right? We are often too lazy to do the prep but then complain about how long the actual task takes. My first boss used to say if you don’t have the time to do it right the first time, you definitely don’t have time to correct it a second time. Whenever I go to get a new car, I do enough homework that I run circles around the salesman, I can spout out numbers about the car that they can’t. I know all the details and therefore, cannot get talked into something I don’t want. For this reason, my Nana always takes me with her as well. I have a mind for the details. That’s why I say it’s the little things that are important to me.
I was talking with my Nana today about God because something on tv was saying how aliens planted dna, blah blah, blah… who cares! Anyways, I told her about how much peace I have right now, how fulfilled I feel even though there is so much I need in my life. I told her that my faith in God is immeasurable and I am able to sit back so to speak and let Him work out my life while I consume myself with schoolwork and my babies. She said that was good and she was happy for me. See, I’m still thinking of all the possibilities, all of the directions my life can go in and instead of getting bogged down with the what if, I know worst case and best case, I pray for the best and prepare for the worst. It’s all I can do. I am positive about what’s in store for me, for my future, but, I’ll never catch myself ill-prepared, and right now, all that weight is still solely on my shoulders. So, I’ll keep it, and run with it, shoot…. if only I could lose weight from carrying all of that! Haha!