This new sense of self, the good vibes I have, all of the yuck having disappeared, I am able to dive deeper into loving my people better. Miah and I have gotten closer than ever during this time of quarantine and even more in these last couple of weeks. My boy, I see his smile more and he just wants to talk to me about anything and everything. He has been being silly with me which I just love and can’t seem to get enough of. My boys, they love my nails so that I can scratch them and yesterday one of my nails broke. I said something about cutting them and he about had a fit. I reminded him that he hasn’t asked for a back scratch in a while and so, he went and laid his head on my lap right then so I could scratch his back to prove that he didn’t want me to cut my nails. He is so silly but, I love spending this time with him.
I like that we are getting closer and that he likes to ask me for help with his schoolwork. Some kids don’t want their parents involved but, he even has me help his girlfriend and best friend if they need it as well. Our relationship has evolved over this time as I have. I realize all of the positivity I surround myself with has made an impact on him. He sees me striving to be the best me I can be and how I am choosing to be happy, I think he’s choosing that as well. We get to have serious talks and although those are sometimes hard because he doesn’t understand, I have to remind him that the way he thinks now is based off the information he has available to him and the little experience he has but, that could all change as he gets older and he doesn’t want to make any decision that could close doors for him. I’m always in his head about that. We don’t think about the after affects when we do things and there could be serious consequences.
My Raiyhn, she just loves cuddling, she is the silliest thing and has been very big into wanting to share her bone with everyone and watching tv. She likes to sit on the couch and watch tv with Nana. I think it’s cute because that’s something that I loved when I was little and Miah as well. I take time to sit with her and tell her how loved she is and just rub her. I hug and kiss her all of the time and let her know how much she has changed our lives and although our lives are a bit more difficult with her in it, she is our ohana. Ohana means family and family means nobody gets left behind. I don’t care what struggles we go through, we will never abandon her.
There are others that I am forced to love from afar. I pray for them and send my love and as long as I am doing what I can, then, I have to accept it for what it is. Every day that passes, I am doing the best I can. I am seeing how all of this is affecting me and others. I finally get to be the light that someone else needs. I am the person that I am proud of. I am holding my head up high. I am owning my truths and not hiding in the shadows anymore. Miah learned more about me today than I think he ever imagined and I think it changed how he thinks and he knows a little more of just how much strength his momma has. I’m good at putting on a brave face when I have to but no more. I won’t hide what I am feeling. I will deal with it and move on. Brave faces only allowed me to leave things unsettled and fester until they became unbearable, that’s not what I want in my life anymore. I cleaned up all that shit under my rug and I refuse to brush anything under it again.
A girlfriend of mine told me I should be a counselor or something because I know just what to say. I can’t do that because I get too attached but, through this platform, I have found my voice. I know that I have what it takes to assist others in some capacity. I can believe in others and for others and one day maybe help someone else out of the shadows. If that’s what I am meant to do, then God will direct me to it. In the meantime, I am sharpening my skills, opening my mind and increasing the breadth of my vocabulary. Today was a satisfying day and I have faith that tomorrow will not disappoint. I have to keep loving on those that love me, on those that have my heart and pray for guidance. Living in the light sure does feel good.