There is Beauty in My Strength

I was an emotional mess and yet, I was able to accomplish something without assistance from others. That may seem miniscule to most, to me, it was a huge leap forward. I have spent the day in my head instead of with my nose in the books. I did however, get full credit on the Soundtrack of My Life and my Professor commented that it was well written…so, there’s that!

I have more schoolwork on my plate this week and we have to start the road to final papers in two classes.  I participated in a Kahoot (an online quiz like game) with my Statistics Professor and some classmates to prepare for our first quiz. I did better than I anticipated and…crazy thing, she thinks she remembers me from a previous math class over 18 years ago. I mean, I know I’m unforgettable but, really? Haha 😄

I still made dinner tonight, I’m getting so much better at making hamburgers and think I’ll try to make my own next time. As a side dish I attempted asparagus and mushrooms sautéed in butter. I don’t make them as well as I’ve had them, i got a little carried away with the seasoning but, lesson learned. I am really enjoying cooking now and don’t mind having to stop when I’m doing schoolwork. It’s a nice break for me to breathe and contemplate what I need to finish before the end of the night. Who would have thought Stephie would enjoy cooking? Tomorrow is the Chicken Enchilada Casserole. After that, I will attempt the real thing! Ah… yay me!

I heard from another friend today. I ran into them at the grocery store yesterday but, due to Covid, we said hello and parted ways. Which worked out for me because my eyes were bloodshot from crying… So, they reached out today. People are coming out of the woodwork. It’s nice though. We messaged on and off this afternoon as we had time. Catching up because it’s been years since we’ve seen one another.

All of this is teaching me how life takes people in so many directions. The ones you thought had it made are struggling, shit my friends wanted to bet I’d be the first to marry and have children. I was the last to have a baby and I’ve yet to be married. Back then, I thought as long as I was a good person, good things would find me. But, in reality, we aren’t owed anything and it’s just as easy for bad and evil to find us as it is for good. Actually bad is even easier because it’s easy. For the longest time, when the bad came, I didn’t understand that it could be a test or a lesson, that I wasn’t meant to stay in it, I believed I must deserve it. The thing with that is you could be surrounded by good, you could be living the life you want and there be just a little bit of bad and if you’re fixated on that, the bad grows and affects the people around you. But, the people around you are the ones you love so that negative,  that bad, it befalls on them too one way or another.

My family is my world, good or bad, happy or sad, near or far… and I know now that I will be tested, I will endure growing pains but, I am mentally prepared for whatever comes my way. I can fight off whatever tries to steal our happiness. As I said, there is beauty in my strength. I’m not afraid of who I am, who I may not be, what I don’t have. I know what’s mine, I know what’s for me and I’ll never give up. I know what my “good” is and it’s time for me to be their “good” again.

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