Here you go, I am a crying mess having just completed this. I know it’s just an assignment for school but it took a lot out of me. I’m posting now because, I need some rest.
The Soundtrack of My Life, I had to think long and hard about this and which way I wanted to take the assignment, I could go fun and light or deep and meaningful. I chose for my song choices to represent me and where I am currently at in my life. I have transformed immensely in the last few months and learned while choosing these songs that the way in which I describe me through songs has drastically changed as well. I have officially moved from hoping and wishing to doing and conquering. Music has always had a profound impact on me, allowing my thoughts, feelings, frustrations, things I could not say, the person I was afraid to be shine through lyrics I didn’t have the courage to make my own. It gives me an outlet and no matter what mood I am in, I can always find a song to fit it or change it, if that’s what I want. Without further ado, here’s the Soundtrack of My Life.
The Little Drummer Boy
Little Baby pa-rum pum pum pum
I am a poor boy too, pa-rum pum pum pum
I have no gift to bring pa-rum pum pum pum
That’s fit to give our King pa- rum pum pum pum
Rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum
Shall I play for you, pa-rum pum pum pum
on my drum?
The Little Drummer Boy has had a profound impact on me since I was a child and that’s why it’s the first song chosen on my soundtrack. It’s the only song that I didn’t have to debate if it made the list. Not only is Christmas music so very special to me but, more so this song. My mom was a teenage mother with two children by the time she was 17. We didn’t have much money (although, we never knew it, we were always well taken care of). In elementary school a girl pointed out that I was poor, and I was devastated. That Christmas I remember listening to this song and relating. If I had the opportunity to greet Jesus Christ and present an offering, I didn’t have much to give, all I could give was of myself and pray that was enough. I’ve carried that with me all my life and still can’t listen to this song without crying (I’m crying now). My whole life, I’ve been an underdog, I like to say that I’m not the prettiest, smartest or thinnest person but, I love with all I am, and I am a good person. I don’t do bad things, I don’t intentionally hurt people, I treat others as I would like to be treated. That’s the promise I made to God after I heard this song. I don’t have anything else to give him except for who I am and to honor Him, I must always be the best I possibly can.
O Come to the Altar
Leave behind your regrets and mistakes
Come today, there’s no reason to wait
Jesus is calling
Bring your sorrows and trade them for joy
From the ashes, a new life is born
Jesus is calling
O come to the altar
The Father’s arms are open wide
Forgiveness was bought with
The precious blood of Jesus Christ
Forgiveness was bought with
The precious blood!…
A few years ago, thanks to the parents of one of my son’s friends, I started going to a Christian Church, and fell in love with Worship Music. O Come to the Altar is the one that speaks the most to me. Life continues to knock me down. I get to a point where things are going well and the rug gets pulled out from under me and I’m lost, not knowing which way is up. I’m reminded when I hear this song that in moments such as this, I am supposed to look to God, start back at the beginning. He will accept me as I am, He will forgive me of my sins and guide me towards the path He created for me. So now no matter what is going on in my life, if it’s something great, I look to Him with thanks and a grateful heart, if my heart is aching and I’ve strayed from my path, He reminds me that I am the daughter of the most high God and when I find my way back to Him, He will provide all the comfort I so desperately need because His arms are open wide and waiting for me.
Man, this shit’s unflatterin’, all up in my head again
I don’t feel myself right now, maybe I should just lay down
If vanity’s my vitamin, well, I don’t feel the difference
I don’t like myself right now, gotta find a way out
What you feel is natural
But I don’t wanna feel this anymore
Pick yourself up off the kitchen floor
What you waitin’ for?
Girl, won’t you stop your cryin’?
I know that you’re tryin’
Everything’s gonna be okay
Baby girl, don’t you hang your head low
Don’t you lose your halo
Everyone’s gonna be okay
Girl, this is a newer song to me, I’ve only recently found it and it’s my go to song right now. In this transition of my life, this new season I am in, I have been harder on myself than I have ever been and there’s been many days where I just wanted to give up, give in and accept defeat. I am always in my head, being my own worst critic, crying uncontrollably for that which I can’t control. Then this song entered my life and made me see the positive where I only saw negative. I am trying daily to better myself, to pick myself up off the ground, to beat the odds and prove my naysayers wrong. That itself is worth its weight in gold. Somehow, some way, everything is going to be okay. What doesn’t kill me only make me stronger right? So, I can’t hang my head low, chin up, look to the sky baby girl, because I can’t lose my halo, I can’t drop my crown. I can feel sad and defeated if I don’t take up residence there, if I accept what I am feeling and put in the work to figure out how to build myself up. I’ve learned to be my biggest fan, my own cheerleader, I’ve had to fight for myself because no one else was there to do it for me. So, as I slay my own dragons while mending my broken heart, because of this song, I know everything is going to be okay, I know that defeat is temporary, I will straighten my crown and keep moving forward.
“Boy don’t you worry, you’ll find yourself
Follow your heart, and nothing else
And you can do this, oh baby, if you try
All that I want from you my son, is to be satisfied”
“And be a simple kind of man
Be something you’ll love and understand
Baby be a simple, kind of man
Oh, won’t you do this for me son, if you can”
I know that Lynyrd Skynyrd has a version of Simple Man as well, but this is the one that touches my heart. My mom says the original is hers to my brother, so, in a sense, this is mine to my boys. I am a mom of boys and all I want is for them to live simple lives. Work hard, love harder and enjoy their time on this earth. I pray that they will be guided by their hearts and not be tempted by evil. Our family tree shows struggles with drug and alcohol addiction, time spent incarcerated and unforeseen deaths. While I may not always be the best role model, I want so much more for my boys. Everything I do is so that they can break the cycle, they can be more than what they grew up with, what they’ve been around. My oldest, my son, he just turned 15 and I am doing my best to pound in his head that he is capable of anything he sets his mind to. It’s one thing to dream but, no one gets to where they want to be without hard work and determination and although I babied and sheltered him more than I should have, he’s going to have to get out there and try some things that he’s going to fail at and that’s okay because, I will be here to support him regardless. While other mothers are out there telling their children that they need to grow up and support their parents, buy them houses, etc., I want mine to soak up each day as if it were their last. Find happiness in the simple things, don’t sweat the small stuff, and always remember that if they get lost, look up to the sky, God will direct them as He has me. As long as they are truly happy, nothing else matters and I hope they won’t forget that money and riches can’t be taken with them when they pass. The world is a scary place, now more than ever and I want to protect them, since I can’t be with them every moment of the day, it’s my responsibility to teach them what’s truly important in life.
You Make It Real
You make it real for me
And I’m running to you baby
You are the only one who save me
That’s why I’ve been missing you lately
‘Cause you make it real for me
Everybody’s talking in words
I don’t understand
You got to be the only one
Who knows just who I am
And you shine in the distance
I hope I can make it through
‘Cause the only place
That I want to be
Is right back home with you
I’ve always felt misunderstood, like no one truly “got” me. Six years ago, I met my Honey, well, he’s now my ex-fiancé, but he saw me for exactly who I was and loved me flaws and all. Things that others didn’t like or made fun of me for, he celebrated. He allowed me to be me, if I was silly, he was silly, and we could speak to each other without saying a word. When I had given up on love and marriage and more children, he brought back the hope, and a son that although not my blood, is so much like me. He showed me that real love is much better than fairytales or Halllmark movies, he made it real for me. He brought out the best and the worst in me, he pushed me to live up to my potential, he fought for me when I was too weak to do it myself, he picked me up when I was down, he sat with me while I had panic attacks and then held me as I cried afterwards because they took so much out of me. He saw me as Beauty when I saw myself as the Beast. Our relationship was not perfect and that’s why we aren’t together anymore but, everything I do now is with him in mind. He may not be here with me, but his presence was so strong that, I know what he would tell me to do, it’s like he’s the angel on my shoulder, still forcing me to do better, be better, be the whole person he saw when I felt like I was broken into a million pieces. I miss him daily, especially on the days where I feel invisible, it’s a feeling that I had forgotten when we were together. He put a mirror in front of me and brought all of my strengths and flaws to life, he only asked that I deal with them so that I could level up for the sake of myself, us, and our family. He did more for me than anyone else ever has. Even this break-up, this heartache, it is unbearable, I’ve not experienced anything like it before, but I accept it because I wouldn’t give up what we shared. I’m the person I am today because he loved me.
Music impacts my life daily; I internalize lyrics and some even become a part of me. I can see how my song choices show where I am at in my life and what’s important to me. I am a work in progress so, there’s no doubt that some of these may change with time and, I’m okay with that. I don’t know where I would be without music. It’s an amazing outlet, it has the ability to unite people, it can bring light to hot topics, it pushes the boundaries and some just have a catchy hook that’s great to sing in a karaoke bar. I learned a lot about myself throughout this assignment, from choosing the songs to then figuring out what to write, I listened to each song over and over as I wrote its paragraph to gain inspiration. Regardless if I listen on Spotify, SoundCloud, Siriux XM, or any other platform, I will always have music in my life. I even listen with the volume low as I read my chapters for school. It helps me concentrate when driving because I am easily distracted, and certain songs help me annoy my family. I’m a music lover through and through. I hope that my song choices helped you to understand a bit of who I am at this time in my life.