Wiser With Age

My dear friend called me again today, to check up on me and talk about what’s going on with her man. I was in the middle of homework but, it was nice to know that I was on her mind. We got into talking about what he’s dealing with and where he’s at in his head. Having taken over six months to understand myself and my situation, I was able to add some context to the conversation. When we are in the middle of it, we can’t see the whole picture or make unbiased decisions. Life gets busy and hectic and routine and not like how we pictured it and in our attempt to survive we get caught in patterns that are unhealthy, caught up in our ego and fight for things because we have to win and not because that’s what we truly want. Learning to take a step back, breathe and collect ourselves is no easy feat. I know all of this now and yet, when I am put to the test, I’ve proven how quickly I can revert back to old and destructive patterns.

She started talking about changing for someone. I know not that if you are looking for a permanent solution, the only person you can change for is you. Changing for someone else, and not solely for the benefit of making you a better version of you is just a temporary fix and honestly a waste of time. Changing for someone else can last for a while and it’s simpler to accomplish but, when you put in the work and grind to be the best you that you can be, the feeling of accomplishment that you acquire is one that you won’t want to let go of. You’re proud of yourself for staying the course, for noticing a need for improvement and taking the steps towards rectifying the bad habit. Thus, you are more inclined to continue with what you started than letting it fall by the wayside. I’ve seen cheaters be faithful ONLY because they got caught and once their partner is not stressing them anymore, they go right back to cheating until they get caught again. They were faithful because they had to, not because they wanted to and had they not gotten caught, they would have continue to cheat without any reprieve. I on the other hand, would tell myself how much I hated me, how I was stupid and ugly and worthless and didn’t think I deserved to live. These are things I told myself all day every day. I believed it. When I lost my biggest supporter, my rock, I could have faded away… instead I chose to love me like him, I would love me in his absence because if a man like him could love me, then maybe, just maybe, I was worth loving, I was smart and beautiful and I could learn to love myself. It was so very hard in the beginning, especially with the loss of him. I fought myself internally, I’m worthy of love because he loves me so, I’m not worthy because he left, and so on. But, I promised myself that I could do this and I overcame my negative thoughts. Here I am today loving the shit out of myself, impressing me on the daily and not giving up. There are days when I want to revert back to those negative thoughts, where I am not the happiest and very very sad and I’ve learned that those are the days I have to show up for me the most. Those are the days that I am not ashamed to ask for help from God or whomever so that I don’t let myself down. When that low day passes and a new one begins, I make sure to thank my angels above for giving me the strength to increase the love I have for me, to still be my own cheerleader when I so badly want to be the bully. To love you, I have to love me.

The way my mind works now, I wish there was some sort of test or scan I could have taken to evaluate just how far I have come. It’s in the small things though. I would get so frustrated that I would stutter or stumble for words and for a girl that always has something to say, that’s saying something. I have a nose ring and quite often I would wake up in the middle of the night knowing that it was out of my nose, I was always right and had to search for it in my bed so that the hole didn’t close. I didn’t understand how I would get it out while I was sleeping. I know now that it was a form of stress because I have not removed it in my sleep once in months. I am sitting here working on Statistics, STATISTICS! That is the only class I received an F in when I was in school. Yet, here I am taking it in college. I was super nervous but I was told it was the easiest math to take to meet my requirement. So, I took it. I have my laptop with the book on it, my notebook and pen taking notes and my Spotify playing on low in the background. I may have to read certain things a couple of times to make sure I understand it all but, with a 100% after 3 weeks, I’m doing pretty well. Math used to seem like a different language to me and now I’ve mastered what Miah is learning and I’m getting Statistics. I think it’s because I don’t have room for failure. I can’t afford to lose anything else in my life. I’m doing my best to compensate (not fill) the voids in my life. I failed at some of the things that matter the most to me but, in my attempt to work my way to possibly allow myself to open up again, I am trying very hard at accomplishing some other things.

I am ready to stand up and be counted. I registered to vote yesterday, well, re-registered since I’m at a different address. I’m not trying to bury my head in the sand. The world is at a crossroads and in my opinion, you can be part of the solution or part of the problem. This is not the time to sit on the sidelines and watch as others make decisions that are going to directly impact my life. I may not be fully versed on everything and that’s okay. I hate that people are choosing sides though. At the end of the day, we are all human and we should respect each other enough to agree to disagree. Tolerance and understanding is what we need in this world today but so many people are only concerned about being right. Allowing their ego to rule them. I’ve been there, I’ve done that, I’ve seen it happen and look where I am at. If my current situation is not proof that you shouldn’t be ruled by ego then, I don’t know what is.

I’ll end with this. Two friends posted it on Facebook and it’s too good not to share. Life is short and tomorrow is not promised. Have you done everything you needed to today? Have you said everything you needed to say? Loved on who you love…just in case tomorrow doesn’t come, make the chili!

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