Last night was hard. I just couldn’t shake my feelings. I eventually cried myself to sleep. I guess it is better than staying up until 4am, I got to sleep at 2am.
I didn’t want to face the world today. I didn’t want to do anything, just wanted to escape my feelings. Then a friend of mine called. She needed to vent about what was going on in her life and then asked about mine. I was reluctant at first because I didn’t think I could keep my composure. I did good but, when she asked about my little, I lost it. I am a strong woman, i know I don’t need a man, I want him but, my kids, I need my kids. It was nice to speak with someone that understands that about me.
I needed that conversation we shared. I needed to feel a part of something and included in the world. We talked for like two hours and slowly I felt the yuck I’ve been feeling fade away. She brought me back into my light. It’s incredible what friends do for your soul. We talked about our love lives, kids, work, etc… nothing was off limits. She reminded me that I’ve got this and just have to keep taking one day at a time.
I can’t wait for all this to be over so I can see my friends. I don’t know if I can wait that long though. There are quite a few days in the near future that I’ll need some hand holding. We will see what happens.
My spirits are lifted a bit but, there’s still so much weighing on my mind. I have stayed the course even though its hard. I am doing my best not to be resentful, not to compare because I know that negative shit will only set me back. I see on social media. People talking about that glow up and I keep waiting for mine. I think I’m there though. And…. it’s getting better every day. I’m miles from where I was and that speaks for itself. I don’t have to wait to be a specific weight or look a certain way. Even if my appearance doesn’t change, internally, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, I’ve leveled up many times. I’m not the woman I once was and I’m not even the woman I was yesterday.
There’s something to be said about friends. My girlfriend today, she did more for me than she knows. She prevented me from spiraling down. She reminded me of who I am and who I’m doing this all for. My babies are my motivation. I shared that I’ve learned so much during this time. I understand the part I played in where I’m at. That I’m working on knowing how to do better for the future. She’s trucking along too and she’s proof it can be done.
I was at my wits end last night. I was throwing in the towel to God. Telling him I’m not who he thought I was and I couldn’t do it, I didn’t have the strength to carry out my purpose, to be the woman he created me to be. I asked for a sign, something to help me push through this negative mindset I was in. Although it was not the sign I was hoping for, it’s the one given to me, the one I needed. God will always give us what we need before He gives us what we want. I cannot look for more in my life when I am not first completely satisfied with myself. I define me. I determine my worth, I am the pillar of this family. She helped pick me up so I could dust myself off, and keep it going.
I’m not giving up God, forgive me for my moments of weakness and strengthen me so that I can do better next time. We are forging ahead. It’s in times of my weakness that my true strength shines through.