I was struggling to keep everything in my life up in the air. Then at the end of March, I had some major things knocked out of my hands and it made me nearly drop everything. Slowly, I’ve been working to juggle the things in my life in a consistent and healthy manner, not giving too much attention to one while another risks falling to the ground. I had a hard time at first but, nothing fell. As I feel more confident in my ability to keep this up, I have added more to the mix, school being the biggest and most challenging. I know that the first few weeks are the easiest as we get acclimated but, I am doing very well. Because of this, I am to the point where I am ready to add something else in. Now, it’s just a matter of what.
I realized that it may be time to add something else into my life, routine, journey since I have so much “free” time to stress over things I cannot control. I am anticipating days that I don’t want to come, benchmarks that will be left not celebrated, holidays that just won’t be the same. I catch myself having lost lengths of time as I’m off in my head. Torn between honoring the significance by remembering and the heartache caused from what’s missing. I am honestly at a loss. So, all I can think of to do, is keep pushing forward, keep being the best me I can be. I can’t afford to lose momentum, I’ve worked too hard to get to this point.
I still just want to be happy. I don’t pray for money or fame, just to live a simple life filled with happiness and family. The subjects I’ve been learning in school have me pondering the future and what that’s going to look like for us all. What things are we getting used to now that will stay with us? I don’t want to wear a mask for the rest of my life, I absolutely hate them. I don’t want to be stuck at home. I want to go back to the way things were just with people being more mindful of sanitizing and such. I am nervous about the Presidential election we have coming up and don’t know what to expect regardless of who wins. We are supposedly a Federalist government because our founding fathers didn’t want one man to rule our country yet, I feel as if that’s the power our current POTUS feels he has. Now that Ruth Bader Ginsberg has passed away, her seat is open and Trump has the ability to appoint her replacement. Remember, those seats are for life. She was pro-women, and Trump, well, he’s definitely not. Our country is so divided and I don’t see an end to it in our near future. The days of post 9/11 where we were One Nation, Under God, has certainly disappeared. I continue to pray knowing that in the end, God will do as he sees fit and I thank Him every night for loving me and my family and taking care of us. Somehow, some way, something will give and we’ll see the light at the end of the tunnel.
The world is changing and for once, I am taking notice. I don’t like what I see and I truly wish I could bury my head in the sand, it’s just not an option. My world is changing too and I know there are things I can’t change but, for the things I can, I’m working on it. I’m pushing forward and on the days I feel like giving up, I force myself to push even harder. I’m my own cheering section. For some of my friends, 2020 has turned out to be their year, for me, it’s unforgettable for a mix of reasons. I’ve learned more about myself and how much heartache I can sustain and still survive. I’ve leaped out of my comfort zone and broke down barriers that I had built myself and yet, I am building others to protect me from being hurt again. I am full of emotions and in everything I do, happy or sad, good or bad, I want to share it and can’t.
I am continuing to follow my gut, the proof is in the pudding that it is not wrong. I have scored perfectly on all 3 of my quizzes this week because I did not doubt what my gut said and I prevailed. My intuition is powerful and I know that as I listen to it more and trust in it, it will get even more so. I’m not done with my work, I have a paper to write and a discussion to join, just wanted to pop on and share what’s on my mind. Sleep is still escaping me but, I’m done fighting it, I’ll just do my best to make the most of the time my brain is fighting sleep. Here’s to at least a couple more hours of schoolwork. May your Saturday night be more eventful than mine! TTFN…