So, I started writing something else and like three paragraphs in, it got deleted. I’ve been feeling more me and yet less me, I know that doesn’t make sense. I feel better because I have gone back to school. I am learning and engaging with classmates on group discussions and really having to dig down deep to write the papers required of me. I belong in that world, it was made for me. I am comfortable in a learning environment where I am given the tools to expand my knowledge and increase my ability to speak intelligently on topics. Yet, I am stuck in this house, in this room and I am just craving to have the external sense of freedom that my brain feels while doing school work.
I have had my head whirring with ideas of what I want, what I can do for extra money, how to change my situation, how to be happy, etc. and the things that come to mind are braver than thoughts I’ve had before. Miah’s been playing his basketball game on the Playstation so it got me thinking about Shooting my Shot! What do I have to lose? I am not playing in a game against people. The only person that I am working to “beat” is the me of yesterday. So, if I attempt at starting my own business and it doesn’t work? What harm have I done? If I exercise and lose my breath after 10 minutes, 10 minutes is still better than 0 the day before and then I can work up to 15 and so on. I just want to be the best me and that is now requiring me to make big moves, to bet on myself.
I started watching Say Yes to the Dress again. That may make no sense to you but as someone that has wanted to be a Wedding Planner, as someone that has always dreamed of getting married, as someone that should be going for a fitting of her wedding dress and never made it to the shop, the show has been hard to watch. All I could do was cry and that’s before I even pushed play. Now, I am crying happy tears as brides find their perfect dress and that feeling of hope is slowly finding it’s way back into my heart. I don’t know if I’ll ever get married but, I think I like the thought of keeping hope alive. Of imagining myself in the show trying on the beautiful gowns at Kleinfeld’s. Who does it hurt, no one but, it sure does put a smile on my face.
Last night, I cooked dinner and it was delicious, again, you may be wondering why it’s a big deal. I am not one to cook and I am slowly trying to learn some tricks. It was simply BBQ with rice and cauliflower but, I sauteed some mushrooms in butter with garlic salt to pour over the top of the rice and wow, did that elevate the dish. I was proud of myself although it was simple but, my Uncle reminded me that it tastes better when it’s made with love. I was scared I would somehow mess up those mushrooms but, I wanted to make something that was delicious and so a bunch of good thoughts went into the dish and it turned out great. I guess that how my cooking has been lately. I want to make sure that my family enjoys the meal. It makes me feel proud to be the one to provide dinner for them and I am cooking out of a place of love and joy and it is showing in the food. We had leftovers of it tonight but there were no mushrooms leftover so, needless to say, that was a hit.
I did something else today that is out of the ordinary for me. I am still in disbelief that I did it but, I did so, we will see what comes of it, if anything. I believe very much that what you put out into the world is what you get back. Sometimes it might not look that way but, I feel it. You know when they say that the people with the least amount to give are the most generous? That’s me. I don’t have love to give a man because my heart is spoken for but, I give my family all I have. I can’t provide a big house and fancy shit but, I can sit and do homework with my son, watch him play a video game as he tells me all the cool things he can do and I can make him a home cooked meal for his belly. I can’t fix anything for my Uncle but I can drive him to the store when he needs something. I am not working from a place of lack anymore. I don’t have much but, what I do have, I am making it work, and feeling abundant.
I wasn’t speaking to my brother because I was embarrassed about something and it was really bothering him. He kept asking my mom what he did wrong and why I wasn’t answering his calls and texts. She knew why but, she wouldn’t tell him, she wanted me to. It took weeks and I finally reached out. He was so happy to hear from me. I explained that I was embarrassed and admitting the issue to him was not something I could do. He reminded me that he loved me and he rather hear from me than not. When I faced my fear, I was greeting with understanding and love.
So, I am working on shooting my shot in life. Well, because what’s the worst that can happen? I know blessings are coming my way. I know that my life is changing for the better. I know God is working in my favor. Even if I shoot and miss, hey, the ball might bounce off the rim and hit a really cute guy or a sick ass job or maybe even bounce into a house that’s meant for me and the kids. This chick ain’t waiting on the sidelines hoping coach will put me in. Fuck that, I’ve played coy for too damn long. I’m putting myself in and I’m dubbing me an All Star baby! I’ll set myself up for that three pointer and just watch and listen as the ball goes in and all you hear is swish! Haha… for real though. I’m going to continue to push the boundaries, I am never going to give up what I am doing. I’m all about risking it all for what I want.