With each step I take I notice that the ground feels more solid under my feet. I don’t have that nervousness in my belly that I grew accustomed to. I mean, I am swimming in unfamiliar territory and I’m not worried about what I may encounter. There is a unspoken strength that appeared when I wasn’t paying attention. I don’t give myself the credit that is due. The days are passing and although things don’t look the way I planned, I somehow still get to the end of the day in one piece. I am navigating my way through whatever obstacles are set in front of me without freaking out or giving up. Looking back at it, I have had some really hard days…they come and they go. But, here I am still writing this blog every day, still thankful for all that I have and appreciate what I’ve lost.
I don’t engage in negative thoughts or shit talking, I allow only good things to enter my life, my space, to occupy my time. I have opened my mind and my heart to possibilities and I think that has leveled me up. I am not scared of the what if I do’s as much as I am the what if I don’ts. What if I jump and fall on my knees? Well then baby girl, pick yourself back up and try to leap instead. That’s so much better than never attempting what seems impossible. I can give you many examples of the things I have received in my life when I didn’t think I could ever have them or that I was worthy of them. I may have been foolish and lost some but, that does not negate the fact that I still had them at one time. God blesses me because I deserve it whether I agree or not. You know that thing that says when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you? I went from five sets of footprints, to only God’s as he carried me and now there are three again as he has been able to allow me to walk again next to Him and of courses with Miah.
I’m in such a better head space and as I said, the one person I want to share all of this growth and these tiny victories… I just can’t. It’s the only place in my life that I still feel lost. I know what I want but it is completely out of my control and God could take it any way he wants. All I know is again, I have to be open to possibilities and trust in the process. It’s hard to explain to others so I don’t try. I don’t have to. It’s between me and God. I am continuing on my journey because I need to move forward with what I can control. I can control me. Stephie controls Stephie. Proof is in the pudding. I don’t work myself up like I used to, I don’t allow myself to succumb to a victim mentality. I can’t control a situation but I can control how I react to it. Learning to fight my own battles, stand up for myself, to make sure that I am being heard and acknowledged. I am slowly working on speaking from a place of understanding and rational thought instead of being triggered and having my ego say and do things that are not true to who I am.
I don’t blame anyone for who I was or how I got there. I did a lot of that in my past. Yes, others had an affect on me but that is it. They affected me. I chose to react or not, I chose to let them rent space in my head, I allowed their thoughts, opinions, actions hold a power over me that they did not deserve. I am ultimately responsible. I let life pass me by as I waited to become the person I thought I needed to be to deserve the life I wanted. Part of battling anxiety and depression is allowing a vicious cycle to play over and over. Like when I feel better I’ll do something but, I can’t feel better until I do something and then the only option is to freeze out of fear of not feeling better and not doing anything so I remain doing nothing and feeling shitty. I am so blessed that I was loved through that. That my people saw the real me when I was stuck on repeat. I didn’t do anything to get better, I didn’t exercise or eat healthy or anything because I was stuck. Now I have real reasons to stay under the covers each day and hide from life but, I am choosing to embrace the day with optimism and enthusiasm, thanking God for being given the day before I even get out of bed. I am able to fight off the depression and the anxiety, that’s just part of me but, doesn’t rear its ugly head as much anymore. I have taken control of my life. I own where I am at and why I am not where I want to be. My ambition, my drive to make up for lost time, the desire is stronger than it’s ever been. I am not working with a plan, that way it’s easy to make adjustments on the fly. I take each day as it comes.
Every little step I take, you will be there, every little step I take, we’ll be together… a little Bobby Brown for you! Each step is taken with confidence. I know what I want. Quick, ask me where I want to go eat! I’ll tell you. Ask me what I want, ask what my problem is, ask away. I am not ashamed to speak my truth. I will no longer choose to silence myself to appease others, especially when they didn’t ask me to. Who wants to be around a person that can’t think for themselves? I know who I am and what I believe in. It may differ from your views and beliefs and that’s okay. I am secure in myself to have that conversation, if it comes to it, admit I am wrong and maybe even walk away more knowledgeable than I started out. I am not at a loss for words, I am not stuttering. Damn, I am so fucking proud of myself. Where was this woman when I had it all? I could have taken over the world!