I keep trying to picture what the future is going to look like, what I want it to be. The more I focus on that, it seems the more blurry it gets. Again, a gentle reminder for me to take a step back and pay attention to what’s in front of me.
Can I let you in on a secret? I am overjoyed with what’s in front of me. I can’t believe what I am doing. How I am overcoming fears and stigma and so much to be where I am. I am doing it on my own. Which, years ago, I would have been my own champion and blasted It’s A She Thang on repeat. I have grown though and I know that nothing worth having or doing is as sweet if you don’t have your person to share it with. I am doing all of these things, learning all of these lessons and I go to text or call the only person this world I want to share it with and I can’t. I have to remind myself that it all matters and to make sure I push forward.
I sound pretty pathetic, I know. I see other people happy, I see them moving on but, I can’t. I know what we had. It’s not something you’re gifted with every day, hell, people will go their whole lives without finding it. It’s the kind of thing that when you see a person that’s been widowed for 40 years and wonder why they never remarried and it’s because they had the love of their life and they couldn’t imagine being with anyone else. That’s where I’m at.
The only thing is, I’ve never been married and I want to be married so badly. To profess my love to the man I love in front of God and our people, and to witness him do the same. I want to have a little girl here on this Earth with me that is a perfect mix of me and her daddy. So, my conundrum is, do I look pass my beliefs, what my heart says at the off chance I get married and have a baby or, do I stay true to my heart and lose the two things I’ve dreamed of for years? I was going to have it all y’all! I wasnt going to have to choose.
Again, might seem petty to you. I can wait until I’m 100 to get married. But, I’m getting older and I don’t have much more time to conceive a baby. Since I’m not about one night stands, if I want a baby, I really need to make moves. It’s absurd because I can’t think of being with anyone else. I have not held a hand or kissed anyone in months. I promised I was his, all of me, I gave me to him, I prayed for that, I thanked God for him and vowed to be only his. No matter how lonely I get, I just can’t bring myself to break that. I knew before we were even together that he was the one. No back-up needed. I chose him every day. The good days, the bad days, the rainy days, the sunny days, the days I hated him, I loved him, the days he was mad and the ones where I was sad. I chose him on the holidays and on the weekends, I chose him on every day that ended in y. I chose him in the light and the dark, when I rejected myself, I still chose him.
So, how do I let that go? How do I break promises to God, myself and him for my benefit? How do I attempt to be with someone else when they can only ever be second best? How can I have waited so long to then marry the runner up? How can I conceive and give birth to a child that was not made out of complete love? I may not be with Jeremiah’s father but, when he was conceived, I loved his father as much as I knew how to love at the time. These are my dilemmas. As I said, marriage can wait. But, i see all these baby girls and i can’t help but cry. I was meant to have a daughter. I keep praying on it and have faith that God will guide me through it. In the meantime, I keep my head in the books and my heart locked away.