Please Don’t Kill My Mind

Today I was living in my memories. Missing someone so much they consumed my thoughts. I prayed and thought about them and sent love their way. I ache from missing them, the hole in my heart that only they can fit. They are more like me than anyone else in this world.

I saw a post yesterday about a man saying he rather be with a woman that has kids. I liked the thought of it but, I don’t think I’m strong enough. I have my kids, even if I can’t be with all of them. I learned how heartbreaking it is to lose them and you have no say because you have no right to them. It’s crazy because you are told repeatedly that you are NOT their mother, but you’re supposed to mother them in your presence, get threatened for mothering them and you can’t help but fall in love… especially after years of spending more time with them than anyone else and they get taken away with a break up. I lost my baby because I have no rights to him. How does that make sense?

Don’t get me wrong, we fought like cats and dogs and we drove each other crazy but the love we share, that’s untouchable. Our bond is special. We can speak by only looking at each other and even when we are mad, the love flows between us. We had some rocky times but, it’s hard navigating being a step parent and for a little to figure out how to not upset his mom. I just never thought I’d lose him.

Miah still talks about his brother, we will never forget. We love our small and I love when Miah brings up memories. Like that one where his dad caught his face mid air with his hand… or when we had a water fight in the house. I just let him talk, I know he needs it and it makes me happy.

I know if my creepers are reading this, I’m going to get shit but, I don’t care. I’m not saying my relationship was perfect, we are not together so, you do the math. Yes, I love him but, that’s not enough for him and I have no control. All I am saying here is we miss our little. I think about him every day, especially on his day every week. He missed his brother’s bday. But, I’m missing the point….

The man in that post, it was nice to hear if I ever chose to rely again but, at this point, I don’t want to love someone else’s kids. I never thought I could love someone the way I love Miah and then he came into my life. I fell in love with him before I did with his daddy. He is my son. I never want him to think he was replaced. Miah knows how that feels all too well. I promised, happy, sad, good or bad, I would always love him and I meant it. I won the jackpot with my boys.

Today was a great day. My heart may hurt but, it’s filled with love and memories and thanks to me always taking pictures, I have so many to look back on.

It’s crazy because my ex’s kids didn’t like me one bit when I was with their dad, I think because they were little and didnt get to see him much. They were envious of his time. But, they are older now, his son wants to come hang out because he’s friends with Miah and his daughter makes sure to say hello whenever I see her at her work. We weren’t close at all… but, even as kids, they knew I was a good woman. I pray that the “Thing King” will remember that about me too.

Sorry, this is rushed, I am working on math that sucks. Normally I would probably keep this to myself but, it’s what’s on my mind and I don’t want to miss a post.

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