I’ve been avoiding my assignments instead if just getting them over with. It’s the first week and these ones are fairly easy. I should be worried of what’s to come. It’s just the whole responding to other people’s posts. I don’t want to do it. I mean, I guess it would be easy but, they’re mostly kids and so they see the world differently than I do. They seem more interested in freedom of their speech than overall freedom like I am. I’ll bite my tongue if that means a better life for my boys. When you’re a parent, you’re more willing to sacrifice things because what’s most important to you changes. I understand their point of view, I was there many moons ago, I’ve just grown up.
I’ve been struggling to pin down an idea for something I can do as a creative outlet. I want to dance there is just no room to even get alone time in this house let alone dance. While on Pinterest, something finally caught my attention. I can’t stop thinking about it, how I would make it work, of course playing devil’s advocate and listing all the reasons why I shouldn’t even try. I’m pretty sure I could do it and it would make money and it’s something I could keep up. Lord, give me the strength to be about this….
To avoid dealing with school and my negative thoughts and attempting not to go stir crazy, I was kind of stuck on TikTok today. Oh my goodness, there are so many desperate people on there and guys without their shirts on. But, I am following some amazing people. The Bartender Mom is amazing. I followed some home renovation people today and others speaking words of wisdom. I absolutely love this lady that takes care of her Nana Rosie. It makes me feel not so alone. I am so very trapped. I can’t go do anything except for grocery shop and even that has a risk. Nana hasn’t been feeling well and I can’t have anything happen to her. I have a lot on my mind and no one to talk to. I mean, my friends that I text or whatever, we don’t dive down deep. They have their own stuff too. I see so many others finding people during this time. I am not there.
I am blessed that we have a roof over our head and food in our bellies because some don’t have that. But, people don’t realize the severity of this quarantine. It messes with your head. Well, mine at least. I’m afraid of what I’m going to be like when I can go and do normal things again. I pray for those that are struggling to make it through the day.
I got off on another tangent. I was inspired, that’s my message. Without looking, something came to me. I’m keeping the faith that good will come of it. I am capable of doing whatever it is I set my mind to. I know that my resilience is being tested. I know that I’m being asked to step out of my comfort zone, to take a risk and do something different. There is no comfort in growth, that’s why they’re called growing pains.
Anyways, I should have done this earlier. This morning my thoughts were clear and what I wanted to write would have come out differently. I need to trust my gut because I’m all jumbled now and can’t keep my train of thought. It’s crazy the people that show up for you. The ones that shouldn’t, the ones you don’t expect, the ones you aren’t praying for. Then you wonder why? Perhaps it’s what is needed? Perhaps it’s more punishment. I don’t know. I think I’ve suffered enough, I torment myself every day. Blame myself, feel the guilt knowing what we lost because of me. What my kids lost because I couldn’t be what he needed. I wasn’t good enough to keep my family together. Lesson learned, message received.
I’m stopping now. I’m all over the place. Man, this may be the first post I delete. We’ll see. Okay. Bye.