Youer Than You

Every once in a while all of the stars align and I feel that I have shown you my most authentic self. Yesterday, in my post, I was more me than I’ve been. I was able to express myself in a way that has kind of amazed me all day today. I wasn’t coming from a place of lack, moreso from a place of understanding what it is I want in my life. I have “danced” so many years on my own, even when I was in a relationship. I got tired of it. Then I got an amazing dance partner and didn’t know how to handle it. I was still living the life of having to dance solo. I didn’t do it on purpose, BUT, I know now that is no excuse. Do better, be better, Steph. I know I can do this alone. I have proven it my entire life. I will for as long as I have to. I have hopes that someday I will have someone to share a dance with, praying for a permanent dance partner, someone strong enough to lead, I know I can wear the pants, but, I also know that with the right person, I don’t have to. I learned that from experience. In a world full of boys, a man showed me how much I wanted to be a woman, how much I wanted to follow his lead and I could comfortably ride in the passenger seat. I know, what a fool I was to lose that, but, at least I know what it looks like, that it’s possible right? We were not perfect, but, he is the best man I have ever known and I will never ever tear him down. I am better because of him, I have the courage to live because he loved me when I didn’t love myself. I am forever grateful.

For some reason, my age and all of the time that has past me came to mind. I have literally let life live me instead of the other way around. I sat as it sped by waiting for it to look the way I imagined for me to start living it. Silly me, when it did, I didn’t look or feel the way I should and I ruined it. I thank God every day that he allows me to start anew each morning. My sins, my mistakes, my lack of living are all forgiven and I have another chance to make the most of the day that has been given to me. There are many things I would change if I could but, I am also very appreciative of where I am. Opening my eyes to the world, being forced to pay attention to what’s happening, I am seeing firsthand all of the horrible things people are dealing with and I feel so lucky to be in this little bubble. So, I may feel trapped and frustrated and wanting so much more yet, I am blessed for all I have and that we are healthy. With distant learning, I am able to help my son with his school work. Something I’ve not really had a chance to do. I volunteered when he was little and I worked nights but when I went back to days, I wasn’t able to do so anymore. It’s neat to hear the lectures and see the work that he is doing. I am able to assist him and his friends. He may be 15 now but, God is giving me a chance to connect with him in a way that I wasn’t able to do before. I see firsthand what he’s great at and what he needs more help with. It’s neat to sit with him and us both be doing schoolwork. I never thought that would happen. It means so much more knowing how proud he is of me going back to school.

I guess where I am going with my age is in my head, in my heart, I am not my age. I am younger and I have more time. I wish my body resembled that. I think if I take my health more serious than I am, I can look the way I feel. Perhaps I am being too judgmental about the time I’ve lost. Everything happens for a reason and for some reason, God chose me to emerge from my cocoon at this time. I can wish that it was earlier but, there ain’t no going back. I am changing on a daily basis. I am aware of my surroundings, I am aware of the affect my attitude, my energy, my outlook on life have on me and those around me. I’m not so sad about life so Jeremiah is not so sad about life. I am putting in work for school and he is doing the same. The woman I want the world to see, she is emerging. I have found her in my writing and if she’s in my writing, then she is definitely in my thinking. She’s always been in my heart and soul, I just need her to come out in my appearance. I’m stubborn and on occasion question if my intuition is on par and I get bombarded with signs all pointing to yes. My intuition is my northern star. My soul is the purest version of me and not many have been given the key to that kingdom. Well, I wouldn’t say given, I don’t give that away. It takes a diamond in the rough (like Aladdin). Do you trust me, well do you? I can show you the world….

I know, I am a geek. I’m in a good mood. I had a few people reach out today and it was great to hear from them. I love knowing that my people are thinking of me. I was speaking to Miah earlier about how things are going to be when we get our own place again. Reminding him how important communication and family time is going to be. I’m not fighting off my darkness anymore so there will be structure and momma won’t be sitting on the corner of her bed afraid to face the world. I’ve cost us too much by doing that. All for one and one for all. I’m not waiting for all of this stuff to end either, I am working on it every day, praying, manifesting, believing that God is working things out in our favor and we will find a way to make our dreams a reality. Soon…. soon.

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