Thinking Too Much

I was supposed to do schoolwork today but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I know, my discipline needs more discipline. But, it wasn’t that. I had too much on my mind to read over 30 pages on the history of Mass Communications. I know that means more work for me to do tomorrow and that’s okay because I had my break today. I just couldn’t focus much on anything. My mind kept going all over the place.

I am in school and I know that I want to pursue a degree. I know what I want to do with that but, I also want to do something with my hands. I know that I have thought about many different things before but, I don’t want to do anything unless I am ready to commit. I have a whole bunch of unused craft stuff for that very reason. I buy it and then am scared to mess it up because I spent money I really didn’t have on it that I don’t use it. That makes no sense at all. I know that I want to be able to channel my energy into something and I keep thinking about the things that interest me. Obviously branding and event planning are big for me. I see those as more of a career and not something that I would do on the side. I did see some craft stuff that may be fun and I might give that a go again. Lately, I have been following this bartendermom on TikTok and I love her! Like, if I lived in AZ, I would make her my friend. I’ve always been interested in bartending but didn’t want to start as a bar back so I never pursued it. I have toyed with the idea of owning a mobile bar for weddings and events and that would make even more sense if I could be the bartender and not just the owner. I think I may look into a way to start doing that in a way that doesn’t require me to go to school. My uncle used to bartend so perhaps he could assist me. I think it would be pretty cool.

There are a few other things that I want to try. I feel like it’s now or never. If I don’t make a move then I’m going to miss my opportunity. I guess that goes for a few things in my life right now. This whole going back to school thing has really brought about a confidence that I forgot I had. I know this is going to be hard work. I know that I probably won’t get straight A’s but, damn it if I am up for the challenge. It’s moments like this where I am reminded I am not the person I was just a bit ago. I am wiser, I am stronger, I am more passionate, I have purpose and somewhat of a plan. I’m not all talk anymore. I have put my money where my mouth is. I dare anyone to say otherwise. I have started this blog, I have put myself out there, I have done the work, I have lost weight (not at my goal but, 20lbs off and haven’t put it back on), I got my ass back in school, I am thankful for where I am at even though it’s not where I want to be, I am growing. I am not a doormat anymore. I went from hating myself to loving myself. I remember being promised a long time ago that I would be shown the world. Back then, I liked the idea of it but was so afraid of it coming true. Of having to step out of my comfort zone, I worried myself to death over all the things that could go wrong. It’s crazy that the thing I think is wrong now is not to have those experiences. I want to take a cruise, I want to go to Hawaii and New York, I want to show my family New Orleans so they can fall in love with it like I did. I’m even working on the whole cooking thing because I want to cook more than just the basics for them. When we have a place of our own again, I’m going to show it love like I did my little two bedroom. It’s going to be spotless every day and I want it filled with family and friends on the weekends. We will be the house that our people want to chill at after a long week. This time being separated from our people, all I want when it’s over is to be with them. For them to know that we love them and to make and share memories.

The woman that I am on the inside, she is ready to be shared with the world. I am not going to hide who I am and hope and pray that people take the time to see me for who I truly am. I am blessed for those that have. I love them unconditionally and they hold a special place in my heart. But, there have been a handful that see me for me and still can walk away. So, I figure maybe there are others that may not have taken the time initially but, when they do see me, their life changes and they can’t imagine it without me in it. I know there are like-minded individuals out there. I just can’t hide away and expect to find them. That actually makes no sense. I think going back to college is a great first step. There are many things that are being shown to me right now. Signs and messages and guidance is all around me. I am inundated with good vibes and positive thinking. I’m not the first to struggle and I definitely won’t be the last. I’ve had it worse than some and better than many. I’m a fighter though, I may get knocked down and stay down longer than I should but, I never stay down. I always get back up before I am counted out. So, don’t count me out just yet. I have proven to you that my words are not just that. I am making shit happen. I am not standing still anymore. I am swimming! Can you see me? I am not treading water, I am swimming! I may not be racing to the finish line but, I am making waves. A growth mentality is what we want, my boy is learning that in school as well. Learning is living. Living is the goal. It’s all coming together my friends, I can’t explain how because I am not privy to that, just know that it is. Never give up on what you believe in your gut. Never give up on me. ❤

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