Harshing My Mellow

As Birdie said in Hope Floats, “I’m my own crown of thorns, momma”. That I am. I have always been my biggest downfall. I have all the faith in the world in other people but, I continuously doubt myself. With that I doubt other’s faith in me because well, if I have none, why should I expect anyone else to? For that reason, well, not solely, but, it’s a solid reason as to why I am in constant need of reassurance, confirmation that people are for me and not against me. It gets tiring I know, just imagine being me. I am so afraid of losing someone that I literally push them away. What a loser right?

Can you imagine that I am a very good writer? I am. I know the writing I do here is mainly like above water and I dive in the deep end every once in a while but, I know how to write. I am fucking amazing at expressing emotion and I’ve been told my writing is like liquid poetry. I start to write like that for you and stop myself. I am so afraid of falling down the rabbit hole and not being able to escape it. That has so many meanings. The rabbit hole could take me to a lala land where everything is rainbows and butterflies, it could make me relive things I have desperately tried to escape, the possibilities are endless but the fear of not knowing if I am strong enough yet to overcome whatever I encounter if I take that trip is enough to stop me in my tracks. Believe one day I will get there though. I am going to show you what I am capable of and you are going to be blown away.

Speaking of that, I had to write on my first discussion topic for Government. I have one for Mass Communications as well (that I didn’t know about until today), so now I get to stress over that too. I started the one for Government last night but doubted myself so I didn’t post it. This morning I added to it and thought it was okay but too nervous to post it. No edits can be made once posted. I knew that I had answers the question to the best of my ability, I had referenced articles we were referred but I could not push the submit button. I read it to Jeremiah and his girlfriend and honestly it went over their heads. I didn’t have anyone to bounce my writing off of. Well, I know a couple of people that are well versed on politics but, they aren’t on Team Stephie anymore. So I bit the bullet and submitted it. I am waiting to see my grade or if my teacher has any comments. I am honestly hoping that no one chooses to comment on my post. Only two of us have done the assignment thus far so I have not had a chance to comment on my classmates’ posts.

Our first question was if we thought e-democracy was a good thing. Honestly, until yesterday, I didn’t even know e-democracy was a thing. I’m still torn on my opinion on it. I mean I see the benefits but also the drawbacks. I guess it’s like so many new things we are encountering these days, it would make things easier for us but also too easy in a sense that it could be frivolous and lazy asses could make stupid, uninformed or rash decisions, ones that we will be forced to implement, accept and live with. This new generation is passionate about so many things but there are still a large number of people that do things that make no sense just to get a laugh or internet famous. I don’t think there’s a maturity yet for the success of e-democracy to be as successful as it has the potential to be. SHIT, I should have waited to post because what I wrote here came out way better than what I submitted. I guess allowing myself time to soak in the material won’t be a bad thing in the future. Writing this is easier because I am not being judged….well, correction, being graded. Don’t judge me, monkey! Haha!

I think I am going to get the hang of this school thing. I remember why I loved it so much. I love the structure. I mean I know I am doing everything online and because the whole job thing is still up in the air, I chose to do classes completely online without having to “attend” a class at on a certain day of the week. So, I am free to do my assignments whenever with no live instruction. I think I would be even more successful if I could go sit in a classroom and listen to my teacher’s lecture but, this is working for me right now, easing into it. I am nervous about the amount of time it is going to take and how long I will need before I can graduate and transfer. But, I can’t think about that. One day at a time, one test, one assignment, one whatever. I made a commitment to this. I will see it through this time. I just have to believe in myself more than I do. I have to believe that good is coming of this and I am strong enough for whatever comes my way. I miss having someone to share my day with. Now more than ever. I’m my own crown of thorns though right? I have to remind myself that I am Joy, I am not Sadness. I can do anything I set my mind to and whatever my heart desires is already mine, already for me and God is working in my favor to bring it all to fruition. Keep the faith, Steph.

Okay, okay, no more harshing my mellow. My brain is overloaded with information between Government, Statistics and Mass Communication, I did a little of all three….probably not the smartest idea. I am done looking at a computer screen too. I need to unplug and unwind and get some rest. Here’s to tomorrow, a day that will be filled with more school. Hopefully I can knock week 1 all out tomorrow. Overachiever much? I wasn’t called a schoolgirl for nothing! Sleep well.

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