I couldn’t go to bed until 3am this morning even though I had to wake up at 7am with Miah for school. I was like a kid on Christmas Eve. I guess I hyped today up to be magical. I don’t know what I was expecting really, to look in the mirror and be 20 lbs lighter or 10 years younger, to be in a house I own next to a man I love and a baby crying…. I’m not sure.
I waited all day for something BIG. Towards early afternoon, I realized that we didn’t have any internet issues with Miah’s schooling today. I know that may seem silly to you but I’ve literally been stressing so hard, feeling like such a failure that I’ve got us living like this, where I can’t even provide a stable internet connection so, no connectivity issues was a blessing! Since Miah is having to use my hotspot on my phone, it’s slowing down my phone and I can’t use it while he is so…. I’ve not been on my phone as much this week and it’s honestly been really refreshing. I sit with him and help him with his schoolwork, make sure he stays on task, we are closer than we have ever been. Raiyhn kept getting in between us because she doesn’t like to share. I mean, I have been in my own little bubble of love. Who needs big signs?
Miah sent me a video on TikTok of a man playing with his daughter and the caption said that because he didn’t have a father in his life, he is making sure to be there for his daughter. I started crying and Miah asked why. I apologized for not being able to provide him with a father, that his biological one isn’t around and that he lost the closest thing to it. He said for me not to cry. I’ve always been there, I’m always mom and I’ve been dad before and now again. This kid…. we went and grabbed fast food for lunch, we rarely go out anymore so, it was a treat. On the way home, pulled over a few blocks from the house and let him drive. Something Miah admitted he thought someone else would be teaching him… I did too. But, it was a great moment for us. I was super happy and sad that in a few days he will be 15 and soon he will have his learner’s permit. He has grown so much in the last few months. His maturity, his grace, his strength, his respect and understanding for his momma but, he’s also grown a bit harder, less trusting and hides his feelings. I pray that the last few will fade as he continues to heal, I hope I can be the example.
At night, after he goes to sleep, I’ve been watching this show called The Game and it’s a little cheesy but spot on about life. We all want something perfect, we are afraid to give any leeway, we let our ego lead us, we say and do stupid things in the heat of the moment that contradict who we really are. Everything is a game and who is going to win but, honestly, if you’re worried about winning then everyone has already lost. Life is about living, not winning. I don’t get a fuck about the destination anymore. I don’t know what my marital status will be or where I’m going to retire to, non e of that is promised. But, I was given today, I was given this moment and I’m doing my best to live it. I’m working my ass off to fix me so I can be me with no hesitations.
This day has been special. I have been emotional at times. Seeing babies and proposals sucked but, being with my babies was amazing. Asking God for clarity and the strength to let it be. I wish happiness to everyone but no longer at my expense.
I did realize som
ething. I’m still in love… not sure if the man in love exists anymore though. Not that I’ll do anything about it. I won’t beg anymore. I’ve done that too many times. This time is different. But, I’m okay with not moving on either. I’ll take my time because this was different and we deserved so much more time than we got. This song was just a beautiful song…. I used to wish one day I would know what it felt like, I would find the man that the song was about and now…. now I wish I didn’t understand it. To love a man that much.
The magic in this day was that I don’t have to do anything or be anything for anyone else but me. At my speed, when I am damn good and ready. Graktung!