Validation comes in many different shapes and sizes. Signs are everywhere if you take the time to pay attention. Even when you’re doubting yourself, there’s always someone watching you, cheering you on, even if you’re oblivious. But, when they tell you… well, make sure you have some tissue for those tears.
Jeremiah had an assignment for English asking different questions that he had to write a paragraph for each. We were talking out each one so that he could write down what to say, this boy is a man of few words so extending out an answer longer than one sentence is not his strong suit. Momma on the other hand, well, this blog speaks to that. Anyways, one of the questions was, who does he admire and why. He thought for a while and then said that I knew who. I asked again and he said I knew who. Finally he said it’s you momma. Tears filled my eyes and I asked why because he has to elaborate for class. He told me that I’ve been through so much and I’ve never given up. He said that what I’ve gone through this year was meant to break me but I didn’t let it because of him and Raiyhn, he said I kept on going. He said that I’m a good mom and good person regardless of the wrong I’ve encountered and that I give him space to be who he is. He then said that we are still hurting, we are still heartbroken and we are not 100% but, we are getting there. Then his face lit up, he said momma, you’re going back to college, that’s huge. I’m so proud of you. I know you’re scared but you’re doing it. You’re strong momma.
I wish I could have recorded it but, I was there in the moment and soaked it all up like a sponge. Every day I thank God for my babies but, on most, I wish they had someone better than me. I wish they had a mom and a dad, they had a house to call their own, Miah with his own bedroom. We had it, they had it and I lost it. I got it taken away from them. They deserve so much more than I give them. Yet, they don’t see it that way. Jeremiah loves the shit out of me and my Raiyhn, she is my baby girl, the only one I will probably ever have. I haven’t given up on them and for that, they haven’t given up on me. Jeremiah could have chosen anyone, I thought he was going to say his favorite singer but, he said me and all of the reasons made up more than a paragraph effortlessly.
I have been doubting myself, my abilities, my worthiness of love. In one full swoop, God knocked me off my feet and reminded me that I am not a mistake. He created me for a reason and gave me incredible reasons to live my best life. My life has purpose. I will do better, be better because my littles are counting on me and right now, it’s all on my shoulders. They are worth everything and I vow to give them the life they deserve. I’m one honored and blessed momma tonight. One breath, one step, one day at a time.