With school starting last week, there were quite a few technological errors. Understanding that there would be a few things to work out in the first couple of days, we did our best not to get stressed. The last two days we’ve had internet issues here and today Zoom was out all over (thankfully it was fixed before first period). It’s all just getting frustrating.
College of the Desert’s site is down and the first day of school is fast approaching. We can’t get Miah signed up but, neither can anyone in his class so, we aren’t alone. Trying to download or access multiple sites while being on Zoom and switching to Google Classroom and pay attention to what the teacher is saying. Oh my goodness, I want to scream and I’m not the student. Technology is supposed to be so much better but, it’s been a big pain in the butt.
Thinking of that, reminds me that the grass is not always greener on the other side. We think that if we have something or get somewhere or whatever then “it” will be better. More often than not, that’s not the case. Of course, strive to be different, to grow, change but, accept where you’re at and take a good look around, is it something you want to give up because you might now be able to turn back. I’ve really been giving that thought. Everything happens for a reason. Let me say that again, everything happens for a reason. Me currently sitting in bed writing these exact words, there is a reason behind it even if I don’t know what it is.
Although the core of who I am, the foundation has not changed, so much else has. The way I think, the way I react, simple things such as not struggling for the words I want to say. I’m braver and stronger, not necessarily because it’s what I chose moreso that it was forced upon me, either way, I’m here. Over this last week, what I’ve been thinking and possibly seeing for my future, for the future of my family, it’s changing. All I know for sure is, these kids, they are my world. I used to feel sorry for them because they were stuck with me, wished that they had the option of running away from me too… but, I know now, deep in my heart that they would choose me an infinite number of times. Their unconditional love for me reminds me every day that God loves me so much to have blessed me with them.
I admit that we are missing pieces and to be honest, I don’t think we will ever get them back. My heart will have voids forever. It breaks my heart and I have tears streaming down my face but, I can’t make someone be with me and I wouldn’t want to. What’s meant for me will find a way right? I will say, Ohana means family, family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten. We will never forget. It’s just hard when Miah is doing projects for school, like in Spanish and English and Math and they ask about his family. To see him hesitate or ask if he should include them, especially when asked about siblings… I pray one day it won’t hurt so bad. Until then, we will keep pushing forward.
I sure did go all over the place tonight and that’s only a fraction of what’s going on up in my head. I wouldn’t wish my thoughts on anyone. I’m going to be like Abby in the Ramen Girl… by now you better have watched it! I feel the beauty all around me. Even in my moments of weakness, when my brain attempts to take control, my intuition remains calm, keeps me calm and reminds me to look within, to trust my gut. I know I’m going to be fine. Somehow, some way. All this technology stuff had me very frustrated today. We know I like to control things and this was out of my control, kind of like my brain…. I had to take a few deep breaths and give in, if it didn’t work, we would figure something else out because I knew we were going to be okay. Voila, no more issues. Let go and let God, Steph!