Up

Life just keeps coming at me. I know that’s how it goes, I guess I’m accepting it a bit more than I have been. There is no pause button. I either have to keep up the pace or get left behind. I’m dont getting left behind so, I have to keep up or outrun the pace car.

Love stories, romance movies, etc. If you know me then you know I lived for them. Lately, they are hard to watch. I either roll my eyes, pretend to gag, curse out the male lead or feel nothing at all. They don’t make me happy and hopeful like they used to. I watched one today and this guy said that Up was his favorite movie. He said it was because of the beginning when they show the love story. He said that’s how he found out what real love was and decided that’s what he wanted. For the first time in a while, my heart tingled.

You know, to be honest, I can’t even eat my favorite candies anymore. I can’t get blue slushies from AmPm, I can’t wear my perfume, I had to go buy another kind. I have to skip songs on the radio or better yet, listen to a playlist I made to avoid certain songs. So many things that bring a smile to my face and now they also hurt. In the movie, the one guy tells the other that he doesn’t think friends should date or that your significant other should be your best friend. I thought that statement was ridiculous. Until he explained that when he broke up with his partner, he lost twice in the same day. He lost his boyfriend and his best friend. Somehow the numbness wore off because I felt that. A horrible ache in my heart. I think I agree with him now, having been in that boat as well.

Life keeps moving even if you’re clinging to the past. Things are changing, we are growing. Tomorrow I will be a mother to a sophmore and in a little over 10 days, this boy of mine will be 1t years old. More milestones without … well, it goes without saying. We are doing what we have to each day and that’s all we can at the moment.

Change is here and I’m learning that I can’t throw in the towel. Every moment of happiness or hurt reminds me that I am alive and need to be thankful for that. I just want to fast forward to the future, who am I kidding? I would rewind instead. No such luck so. I have to suck it up buttercup and keep swimming. I am so very blessed and I know I let my emotions get the best of me but, please know, I’m no dummy. God reminds me daily of all that I have to be thankful for. These moments of sadness and confusion. They help me appreciate the moments of happiness and clarity that I receive. Happy, sad, good or bad….

The guy in the movie is right, everyone deserves that kind of love. Love is not perfect. Its messy and unpredictable and sometimes it will kick your ass. But, the right person, they’ll drive you insane and get on your nerves and at times you’ll hate them and yet, they know how to make you grow and strive for more and be the best person you can be. You’ll go through it with them so that you can truly appreciate and enjoy the good times. The love will be so strong you have to be with them because the thought of not, the thought of someone else being with your person is unbearable. It’s out there. I’ve known that kind of love. I’m still trying to heal from it… try because there’s some days I stop fighting it and just give into my emotions. I’m a fool, but, at least I’m not afraid to admit it. I feel sorry for those in denial. I’m someone’s Ellie….

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