It amazes me how much I learn each day. I guess because I never really paid attention before. I like when I notice it or when my mind starts reeling and thinks click into place. Be honest with myself helps. With time on my hands, I don’t prevent anything from working it’s way through.
These last few days have been priceless. I faced some fears head on and instead of leaving me feeling like a piece is missing, I feel complete. I am more steadfast in my wants and desires yet lenient on how it will all look when said and done. I have truly given it all to God. I threw my hands up and walked away. Somehow it’s made me feel even more excited about my future.
It’s hard to let go of the future you’ve painted for yourself. Especially when you’ve invested everything you had into it. But, the future is going to come one way or another. I’m at peace with that finally. The days are going to keep coming and I can wait and pause my life as I’ve done for so long or I can live it. Living it is one of the reasons I’ve gone through all this. I choose to live and laugh and dance and be silly. As long as my good days outweigh my bad, I’m doing something right.
I’m over being judged wrongly, unfairly…all of the above. But, judge and ye too shall be judged. I don’t like to do that. A lot of the best people I know, their book doesn’t match their cover. Had I judged them I would have missed out. People are human. We make mistakes. If we are lucky, we can grow from them and do better, be better. That’s what I am doing. I do all this with my open heart and even more of an open mind. I do not tear people down, I do not speak ill of others, I give chances because, I hope that in the same situation, I would be afforded the same.
This life is mine. The errors I’ve made, the standing still, I own all of it. It is with my regret, with acknowledgement of my shortcomings that I am able to forgive myself and ask for forgiveness. Thus allowing me to wake up and go to sleep with a grateful heart. I no longer fear the future. I no longer mourn my past. I am in this moment, this is MY now. I am love and I am loved. I’ve proven that my heart can still skip a beat and a huge smile won’t crack my face. I know what I want and what I need. My heart desires a completed family and although me, Miah and Raiyhn sure do make up a whole family, my heart is big enough for more. God, hear my prayers, I’m going to make it happen. All the stars will have to align and He will take care of that.
If you sit really quietly, taking in your surroundings, you’ll look around and feel what everything means to you. The burst of love I get when looking at Miah, the sense of pride I feel when looking at our car, and so forth. Then when you close your eyes and think about the future, an image will appear. It will be how you picture it to look… the things you don’t currently have but they are there, it’s what you want but it’s missing currently. I’m in a house always… Miah is in the kitchen cooking as I walk in the door. I’m greeted by my pups and … I’ve got a kid running in behind me and another I’ve got a hold of. I’m happy. I am so very happy. Like, what more could I ask for happy. I may not know how I’ll get there but, that’s a wonderful image. It’s not my job to put the puzzle together, I just have to trust that God will do so or he’ll adjust the image. Either way, I’m going to be happy. It’s all about perspective.