Living in the Now

I woke up to the realist dream I’ve ever had and then had to deal with the reality of it only being a dream once my eyes were open. Talk about mixed emotions when you’re giving thanks for this new day you’ve been blessed with. This new day that doesn’t match what you thought was real until you woke up. Damn….

I’ve been thinking a lot and I know I have to believe that I already have everything I want but I keep letting doubt into my head. I keep second guessing myself and I can’t stop thinking. I’m going at a million miles a minute and it’s not productive. So, I have to take a different approach to this. Something had to give. I need a break from this, from my brain.

Did you know that there is a difference between goals and intentions? Goals are future and intentions are present. If you’re too focused on your future, you’ll miss out on the present. The present, well, that’s the part we should live for. It’s the only guarantee we have. Goals, the future, that’s the big picture right? That’s what we are doing all of this for. But, there’s no guarantee in all of that. Something could change in five minutes and those goals fo out the window. All we have is now. So, why do so many of us ignore the present because we are so focused on that future?

We are programmed that way. Set a goal, reach it, set a new goal, wash, rinse, repeat… have you ever stopped to look at the people that are happy? It’s those that are living in the now. The daredevil that doesn’t know if he’ll be alive in 10 years so he’s travelling the world checking off items from his bucket list, the terminally ill woman who is watching Frozen for the 100th time with her daughter soaking in every smile, twirl, and song she can. There are some that have unlocked the key to happiness while everyone else is consumed with the rat race.

I have transformed in such a short period of time. I feel like I’ve been woken up and I know I can’t go back to that fast paced world where people only care about themselves. I want to have purpose, I want there to be meaning behind what I do. I want to be able to enjoy the moments and not get lost in the goals. I want to love the shit out of my family. The more time I spend with Raiyhn, the more I want to be around her and others just like her. I don’t care about money or making a name for myself. I care about making a difference somehow some way.

My mind can be a thing of beauty and it can tear me down like no other. All I know is that I can’t miss out on today thinking about tomorrow, I can’t ignore what I have thinking about what I’m lacking, I can’t. You know Ghandi said to be the change you want to see in the world. I took it as you have an impact on many, like you’re an example. I don’t see it that way anymore. I think it’s just you be the change, you change you, you be you, you be the kind of person you want others to be and hopefully, it will catch on. You don’t have to start a movement, you don’t have to do anything big. If you’re kind, your kindness can rub off and so forth. So, we all need to just look inside ourselves.

I was always a big picture girl but, living as a small picture woman, it’s so much better. I’m real, raw and unapologetically flawed. Mistakes will happen, I’m messing up and saying the wrong things and occassionally eating a slice of cake for dinner but, I love the woman staring back at me in the mirror. Hearing her voice, reading the words she bravely writes for others to see, man, I am so proud that this woman is me. You can scoff at what I write or judge me, think I’m pathetic because I’m in love with a man that I’m not with, with a family I may never get back but, I’m just living my truth.

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