I’m a Loser, Baby…

It’s TRUE. I’ve lost so much this year. One of those losses is weight. I am now down 20 lbs. I know if could have been more had I pushed myself harder but, I didn’t. On my hard days, I had to give in to my sweet tooth to soothe me. I know I need to work on that and I will, just cut me some slack. 20 lbs down and 30 to 40 more to go. Small steps to victory, I work on 10 lbs at a time. I am proud of the weight loss, I found two pictures to compare.

Although I am heavier in the picture on the left, I would choose that times Infinity. The happy that you see in that picture, that’s pure, all consuming happiness. I was getting ready to spend time with MY family, the men that I love. I am thinner in the picture on the right and I’m smiling but, it doesn’t look the same. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy with myself, it’s just not the same kind of happy.

So on this journey, different things come up and as they come, I have to work through them. I woke myself up today with a huge realization and was able to release a bunch of guilt. There’s this thing that I thought I did wrong and have apologized for years to someone. I felt so bad for the decision I made. This morning in was able to see the situation from a completely different perspective and I feel better. Not that it’s relevant anymore except that I often allow the blame to land on me when most of the time things that go wrong are not always the doing of one person.

Ego can be blamed almost all of the time. Especially when you make a quick decision in the heat of the moment. You are completely basing that off of your emotions, your ego and not thinking it through. It’s like when someone says they aren’t sure if they feel the same anymore and you break up with them instead of asking why they feel that way and what can be done to fix it. You automatically think, well, if they don’t want to be with me then I don’t want to be with them and it’s over. But, is that what they said? No. You just let your ego trample all over that situation. I don’t work out of ego a lot thankfully, but, I have been there. I know others that are there more often than not. What really comes of it though?

I’m not done losing weight or whatever is not meant for me but, I am done losing important things and people to me. I refuse to miss out or end something quickly because I was too proud to pause and think before I speak, to ask questions, to allow myself time to assess the situation. I control Stephie, I cannot assume I know exactly where someone is coming from when they say something. I, myself, am often bad at expressing my thoughts and feelings completely in a few words. I need to work through things and if someone assumes they know where I’m headed before I’m done, we are both in trouble. I know that I never ever want to cause anyone harm or pain or heartache. If I do, it is not my intention and perhaps they should give me the courtesy of explaining.

I know I’m kind of all over the place tonight. This is honestly how I am in person. My ex CEO didn’t like to have conversations with me because of it. I mean what I said. I may have a hard time explaining things but, if I come off as rude or hurtful, I’m pretty sure you’re not understanding or I’m not doing a good job of explaining. I am working on that.

The kids were watching Inside Out the other day, it got me emotional because we used to call me Sadness. I didn’t like it but, it was true and we made fun about it. I wanted to be seen as Joy. I think I’m there now. The sparkle may not be in my eyes like it was in the first picture but, the woman on the right, shes gone through the worst few months of her life, she’s finding herself, she’s losing weight, she is surviving despite what’s missing. She is still hopeful and loving and actually a better version of her because of it. Coal has to undergo an immense amount of pressure for a diamond to emerge.

One day I’ll be even more fit and I’ll have that look on my face again! I’ll be unstoppable! I can, I will, I must! ♡

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