I was up off and on last night again, full moon, to be expected. So, of course I had time to think. I couldn’t figure out why things are happening the way they are and why I feel so alone. Well, I am never truly alone, God is always with me along with my angels. That got me spiraling and what I concluded was, this is His plan. I’m not alone, but, He needs me to do this, to grow through this time only relying and Him and myself.
I don’t like to be alone, for reasons I’ve mentioned in the past. I don’t like to go places alone, or make decisions or anything basically. I always rely on others, their opinions, assistance, etc. I get it now, this is one of the big things I have been forced to change. Like a bad habit, I keep wanting to reach out for help and God intervenes. He is waiting for me to trust in myself and Him, that with us, I’ve got this. No matter what, if I look within, I can do things on my own.
Thinking back, I never thought I could live by myself. When a boyfriend was gone from our place, I would lock myself in the room until they returned. But, a few years back, I was told he needed space and I should look for somewhere else to live. As terrifying as it was, I did it. I found a place, I secured it and Miah and I moves in. I made it mine and I felt such pride. It was my place. No one could tell me to leave or how to decorate, nothing. It only lasted a couple of months before we found a place together again but, it changed me. It proved I could do it alone.
In 2018, I had to travel for work, to New Orleans. I had not traveled by myself in over 15 years and that last experience has bad memories. But, I had to do it. I sucked it up. I was so nervous but, he took me to the airport and guaranteed I’d be okay, I could do it and to call and text to check in all the time. I got there, was put up in a suite, stayed for 3 days and man, I have never felt so alive. I was nervous walking the French Quarter by myself at night but during the day, I walked and walked and took it all in. If it got to be too much, I would go back to my hotel room to gain my composure. I did it though. I had Honey’s support via phone but, I had to do it all on my own.
When I got my car on my own, I had done so much research, I knew exactly what I wanted. I had an ex there but, he didn’t do anything except for try to undermine my intelligence. I went in and like a boss, laid out what I wanted and how I wanted it and id it couldn’t be done, I was totally okay walking away. I drove off in my car, the one in the showroom because that’s the one I went in for. I didn’t need anyone to cosign, it was all me.
These instances, even writing about them I feel a strong sense of pride, accomplishment, like I could conquer the world. Yet somehow, at some point, I always shrink myself down and want to give away my power, defer to live my life the way others think it should be lived and then I am miserable for it. The people that love me, they don’t like that I do that. Oh, he would get so mad at me because I couldn’t even choose a place to eat. If I’m being honest, in those instances, I did know but, I wanted him to have what he wanted…to blinded to see that what he wanted wasn’t about food, it was about his partner, making a decision for herself regardless of how small it was. God felt that pain, from both of us I think.
I am being forced to use my voice, to stand up and be heard, to trust my instincts, to believe in God’s plan. I have been walking with Him by my side and only Him because I needed to learn to accept being me. So, I could listen to my own voice. Figure out how to make decisions on my own, for myself and for the sake of my family. I can’t expect to be a better partner if I refuse to be a better me. I have had to do so many things on my own lately, things I don’t want to do but, I have to. This pain of doing it by myself, I feel is a fitting punishment for not doing it when I had him to lean on.
I gave up my power, gave up my voice, my opinion because I thought that was the way to be a good “wife”. I was so wrong. The best couples, they are both powerhouses in their own right and when they come together, it’s like magic, there’s no stopping them. That’s what we were meant to be, that’s how we wanted it, I just misread it and instead of clarifying or being honest, I assumed and it caused so many problems. I am a woman with a big mouth and for someone to love and accept that, I don’t know why I went out of my way to dull my sparkle. It was my fault, that was not what was asked of me. It was the exact opposite. He fought for me to be the entire time. I am forever grateful.
Okay, well, I feel better knowing why I’ve been doing this alone. That there is some sense to this. I do not doubt God, I just have never been a big fan of myself. At the end of the day, I have been doing it and when I face my fears, do something on my own for myself, I kick ass. The confidence, I exude sexiness along with it. Right? Ain’t nothing sexier than a woman that knows what she wants! I know what I want and I am never going to stop until I get it. I know that it will not be easy but, so worth it and I know that as long as I stay true to myself and follow my intuition, God is going to move mountains to make it happen. Because remember, when you want something as bad as you want to breathe, that’s when you get it. I want this more than I want to breathe so, I should me golden.
For now I may walk this path alone but, God is always with me. I have lessons I have to learn still and obstacles I must conquer. Soon, I know this lonely journey will end and I will be surrounded with the love and support of those I love. I’m not so scared anymore, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.