Being Tested Daily

I pray for the day that I don’t have to think about feeling positive or negative. I hope that I’ll learn to innately know that only good things are meant for me and not get hung up on bad moments. If not, I guess it will be a daily thing, choosing to be happy, to only allow positive thoughts to stay in my mind.

I was feeling anxious last night into this morning. Knowing that I was planning on taking a huge step, making a commitment that I would be a fool to back out of. So, of course, old habits of doubting myself, of letting fear in came to play and I had to fight them off. I did eventually do what I had to. The process was more stressful than I anticipated but the assistance I received reassured that this is the right move for me. I took the leap!

In other news, the other thing I was working on, well, that is going to be more problematic than I anticipated. I am definitely not throwing in the towel, I just have to find a work around and believe that somehow, some way, God will provide me with this. I told my mom today that I feel like I am riding a bike up a hill and when I hit a rock instead of maneuvering around it and continuing the ride, I allow that stupid little rock to cloud my judgement and the bike starts rolling backwards. I get so mad at myself for losing momentum when it doesn’t have to be that way. I will rise up beyond the little things that attempt to keep me down.

I think the uncertainty of everything is placing a toll on me. I usually work on months long projects so I am used to not having instant gratification but, that’s why I like to incorporate other tasks in that do require a due date or quick completion so I can feel good about the accomplishment. Everything I am doing now, this is all part of the long game. I know I don’t need approval but, old habits die hard. Every time I doubt what I know is for me, I prolong its arrival in my life. This battle of head and heart, knowing I’m worthy and then doubt seeping in, it’s ever so present. I push the yuck out but, I wish it would just stay away. Things will never be that easy though.

Life is full of choices. All of them no matter how insignificant you think they may be, impact your life. With every decision you make, you close and open doors and windows, create and lose opportunities, affect you mind, body and soul. It’s heavy when you think that way but, I think it also makes you more conscientious when choosing. We are all in a maze, one that changes almost every second. Even staying still is a choice with consequences, I’m a perfect example of that. I guess where I’m getting at, is everything you say and do or don’t say and don’t do matters to you, someone or some thing. When I was at my lowest, I didn’t matter to me so I thought anything I said or did or didn’t was inconsequential because I didn’t matter. Wow, was I wrong. I was only thinking of me. Everything affected others too, the ones that cared for me and even those that disliked me, it gave them fuel for their fire.

I don’t ever want to be so unaware of what’s going on ever again. I ask more questions now. I don’t want to assume I understand how someone else is feeling or misinterpret their intentions. I like to think that I’ve grown and am more open minded. I’m doing my best and I think since I can confidently say I love myself, that right now, I may be ahead in the game. Life has been known to throw curve balls though. Good things happen to good people, I am a good person and all that goodness I pray for, it’ll happen to me. All in God’s timing. Until then, I keep fighting the good fight.

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