Nothing is the Same

Tomorrow is a big step for me, the first of many no doubt. My life looks so different than how it was supposed to be. I may not like all of it but, I know I have to accept it. I have to continue moving forward despite how badly I just want to go back. I am finding things to appease me, to attempt to fill a void I know cannot be filled. God has a plan, I just keep praying to see His vision. I know it all happens in divine timing but, I am growing weary.

I’m scared of change, the fear has held me back from doing so much, from taking risks, from being the support I promised to be. I believe in everyone else’s dream, just not where I played a part in it. I also saw myself as the bad apple, always waited for the other shoe to drop. That’s no way to live your life. I am desperately working on fixing that. I am taking chances, leaving the safety of my comfort zone.

You know the most difficult parts of late? I don’t have my person to talk to, to share my day with, to be my support and my voice of reason. You don’t understand how important that is to me. I have friends but, it’s not the same. They have their person, their support and that’s okay, it’s actually great for them. It’s just that doing this by myself really sucks. Nobody is in the trenches with me.

It’s heartbreaking what I miss the most, actually who. I never in a million years thought I could love someone the way I love Jeremiah or as much as I love him. I went back and forth on if I wanted another child for that reason. Although we’ve had our ups and downs and we still get on each other’s nerves, there is someone on this earth that carries more of my traits than Miah and my love for them is eternal. I care so deeply that although I miss this person as much as I do, I in no way want to cause them pain and I have to stay away. There’s not a day that goes by that they aren’t on my mind, one day in the week particularly because it’s their day. The last day we spent together was the best day we’ve ever had together. They showered me with love, cuddled and snuggled up to me that night. Loving them from afar, not knowing what’s going on in their life, it’s the worst thing. That makes me think I don’t want anymore kids. I know I don’t want to love another child if I can’t love all of my babies equally.

I look around at my life. I look back at all my pictures. The woman I see in the mirror is thinner (not thin) and more confident than who she used to be. Her smile is there but the sparkle is gone. I have many things to be grateful for and others that I have to make a conscious effort not to harbor pain for because it’s only hurtful and won’t help me level up to who I need to be. Breathing isn’t the same, dreaming isn’t the same, watching movies isn’t the same. Love stories used to make me so happy but now they remind me of what I may never have again.

It angers me how people date these days, how it’s so easy and free and no commitment. Not saying that’s what I had, it’s just people say, it’s okay there’s more fish in the sea. I don’t give a damn about the sea. I found the one for me. I’m not a dating app kind of girl, I’m not a hook up with a rando to fulfill my needs kind of girl. I don’t have a guy waiting in the wings, I put all of my eggs in one basket, I for real gave someone my heart. I don’t ever want it back. I messed up in every way I could, not on purpose but, I completely gave my heart to a man. The world is different and my tomorrow is unknown but, that has not changed.

I swear I start these things with one thing in mind and then go off on a tangent. Anyways, tomorrow is a big day for me. I am nervous but, I can’t chicken out on me anymore. Last night I was so relaxed and today I am super tense. That’s my life now I guess, having to choose to be who I want to be, having to choose to be better and do better and live with the things I’ve done. Nothing looks the same, nothing feels the same, yet somehow, tomorrow is another day. One piece of advice, don’t be afraid of change, fight for those you love even if it’s scary. Life is better and makes more sense with them, trust me.

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