Slipping Away

So, yes, if you couldn’t already guess, I love romantic movies, and today Kissing Booth 2 came out on Netflix. It’s not as good at the first one but, it is pretty darn good. Mostly, I love feeling good about love especially when my love life isn’t that great and Hallmark Movies, they’re not doing it for me anymore. This movie though, there’s a part in it where Marco says that if you hold on to someone too tight they’ll want to slip away but, you just need to love them and let them know you’ll never slip away. Wow! Mind blown!

In life, the lessons we are taught are because of lessons others have learned and then it’s their take on it. If someone has been blessed in love, they are going to have great things to say but, let’s say you watched your mom getting treated badly by guys, you might only want to hurt guys before they hurt you when you grow up. We often take these lessons at face value because we are young and don’t realize that there are two sides to every story but, ultimately the decision is yours. My bro for example, we didn’t have a dad, someone to teach him how to be one. He could have failed miserably but he chose to be the dad he never had. That was his choice.

Me, I’ve always been told what to do and why I should do it. When I was younger my mom used to call me her Estella, referring to Estella Havisham from Great Expectations. She would quote Alanis Morissette in All I ever Wanted and say about me, ” she’s like Estella, she likes to reel them in and then spit them out.” That I guess I was to break hearts to make amends for those that broke her heart. Growing up, I let boyfriends close enough but never close enough to hurt me. I mean and when I did get hurt, honestly it was my ego. Now I understand things so differently. Love doesn’t have to be difficult, we make it difficult. We take something so pure, so beautiful and twist it and create rules and regulations and put such restrictions that by the time we are done, we’ve lost what it was we had to begin with.

I don’t know where I am going with all of this. That movie, it affected me in more ways than I would have expected. Open and honest communication is a must, be it with your significant other or even your friends. There’s a problem if you’re unable to do so. Elle would have had so many less problems, had happier days had she just said what was on her mind. Why can’t we do that now? Why can’t we say what we feel, ask for what we want, explain what we think? It’s because we are afraid of the answer or worse yet, being judged.

Do you understand how wrong that is? For example, a guy can ask for whatever during sexy time and we just go along with it but, if a female does the same thing, then the guy wants to know how many people we’ve been with, who did we learn that from, maybe we are easy. Bro, shouldn’t you be happy instead of playing it nice and sweet, how about you allow yourself to be turned on that she just told you to grab her by the hair and smack her ass? Like everything has to be so fucking complicated.

I want to be happy. That’s what I want out of life. I want to be happy in love and life. I want my kids to do better and be better than me. My happy is my family. Their not my happiness, that’s my responsibility, they are the reason I want to be happy, the reason I am doing whatever I need to fill my own happy tank. Home to me are people, not a place but, having a place to call our own wouldn’t be so bad. I’m not in the rat race for millions, if it happens, it will be by the grace of God and will be used to bless others. I don’t care about being famous, I want to travel, I want to read good books and taste delicious food. I want to wake up to the man I love and fall asleep in his arms. I want to make love without hesitation or baggage, I want to dance until my feet hurt. I want to be home for my family, I want to be the lighthouse. So no matter how far away or bad the storm is, my shining light can and will always guide them back to me.

Love is infinitely more than just a four letter word. It has started and ended wars, it’s been enough and not enough, it has been used too lightly and whole heartedly. I believe in it with all that I am. I love with every ounce of my being. I know that to be loved by me is a gift. Love, I don’t love the idea of being in love, I love actually being in love. If people would allow themselves to see through all the complications they would see that. I am blessed that I’ve cleared the clutter.

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