Ain’t No Pain, Ain’t No Gain

I am physically and mentally exhausted in such a good way this evening. I reached beyond my comfort zone in many areas. I am amazing myself at the things I am able to do when I can put fear aside, when I’m not always thinking I’m going to fail. When I make an attempt and something works, I get so excited.

I needed to stretch this afternoon. I had been googling things like crazy today and needed to relieve some tension. I haven’t been dedicating that much time to stretching and exercise so, it was a bit of a workout. I was huffing and puffing through it and then my Nana tells me not to strain myself because then I’ll be sore tomorrow. I had to tell her that if I’m not sore tomorrow, I didn’t push myself hard enough. Of course, I don’t want to not be able to move but, I need to feel at least a little sore tomorrow. No pain, no gain. I’m going to work it a bit more as well. Slow and steady baby.

One of the things I did yesterday actually all fell into place already. Now, the jitters have already tried to set in but, I said no way, there’s no place for you here. So, I had to do more research to build my confidence back up. I have to wait until Monday to take the next step but, it’s so close I can taste it. Fears that I had, reasons I made up in my head as why I never did this sooner, it was all on me. I have been the biggest obstacle in my life. Now, to go a step further and not just wait for Monday, I have to reach out to a few people to see what can be done in the meantime. It’s grind time.

The last thing and maybe the biggest thing I am working on. It is so a go! It’s a dream come true. I have to make some calls tomorrow to figure out how to proceed and then there’s no stopping us. I can’t wait. I was going to say I never would have thought to be here right now but, that’s not true. It was always the plan. Things have changed but, the plan, it never did. I am so looking forward to this next step and all of the good things happening in my life.

I know, it sounds too good to be true and also, that if my life had remained the same, I wouldn’t be where I am. First off, I’ve worked very hard to get here and it may be too good to be true, that’s where my blind faith goes to work. God will provide. Also, I understand that I have grown tremendously in these last few months but, I would give anything to not have done it this way. I wish I would have been in a healthier headspace sooner. The reason I was able to make these changes is because of the jiminey cricket on my shoulder that pushed me through. When all of the bullshit from the outside world had dissipated, I could hear and understand what he had been saying all along. I learned how to love me and I learned that if he could love me that much, if my boys could too, maybe i was really worth it, turns out I am.

Is any of this a sure thing? Definitely not. I know I’m worth the risk and if I don’t reach for the stars that I’ll regret it for the rest of my life. I have learned the difference between what I want and what I need. My perspective on life, love and in general has changed drastically over time. The internal happiness I feel is overwhelming and so much that it pushes out the nervousness of it all. I know it’s growing pains, I know that anything worth having is worth the fight. I don’t want to sit on the sidelines anymore, I want to be on the field or in the arena. I totally get Brene Brown now when she said, “I want to be in the arena. I want to be brave with my life. And when we make the choice to dare greatly, we sign up to get our asses kicked. We can choose courage or we can choose comfort, but we can’t have both. Not at the same time.”

I’m owning my story, I am done convincing others of my worth. If someone finds me unworthy, I now know that’s their insecurity talking and I don’t have time for that shit.

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