I cannot control everything and everyone. Life would be easier for me if I could but, I’m sure it would not be fulfilling. With that said, I have to let go of that which I cannot control. My lack of control cannot and will not control me.
I heard from my mom today. I think some of what I said did sink in. I just have to accept that how I want her to be and how she really is are two separate things. I cannot control her or the situation. I can however control how it affects me. I do not have to dull my sparkle, I don’t have to alter the direction I am going. I just can’t expect everything to be smooth sailing. I can live with that. Growth doesn’t occur when you’re comfortable anyways.
I worked on making moves today. Two that would oh my goodness be game changers. Neither are set in stone but, at least I got the ball rolling. I’m still trying to decide what I want to do to make money and be happy. Thanks to Instagram, there are some men offering me to be a sugar baby… can you say EW! Um, Stephie don’t play that. Now that I’ve thrown up a little in my mouth, let’s get back to reality. I’m really good at looking at a brand and knowing if something is going to work or not. I can come up with content and slogans, etc, fairly easily. I understand social media to an extent but those damn Google adwords trip me up. I also have no interest or understanding for Twitter. I know you might not believe me from looking at my site but, it’s more about the blog than anything else and I don’t really get wordpress. I work with wix and yet somehow ended up creating my site on this platform. I’m telling you, my head was not in a good place. Maybe I should focus more on that. I would love to create something as well but, until I find “the” thing, I think I’ll hold off on that.
Thankfully, I am not going against the grain anymore. I am moving in the direction I’m being guided. I think if career wise, with the connections I have, I could make a real go of it. Maybe I should put some more work into this site as well. You have to practice what you preach after all. I’m glad that I haven’t thrown in the towel. I appreciate this opportunity to right my wrongs, to learn how to finally be the woman I set out to be. I used to say that I’m not the smartest or prettiest or thinnest woman in the world but, I am a good woman and that’s what I bring to the table. I now see, i bring the table, hell, I own the table. I am intelligent, beautiful and have sexy curves all while being a wonderful woman, mom, friend, etc. I embrace fully who I am and what I have. I refuse to allow myself to be any less ever again. If someone doesn’t like me or can’t handle me, they can keep it moving. I’ve worked too damn hard to get here.
I’ll sign off with a snippet from one of my favorite songs ever…
On the real I’m a female doin’ what I feel
Put me to the test, yes, I will get ill
Sensitive and sweet, yeah, all that good stuff
But when it’s time to get rough, baby, I’m rough enough
Ain’t afraid to show how I feel down deep
Compassisionate but don’t underestimate me
I’m intelligent, wise, complicated being
With an instinct to dream and believe in the dreams
Family’s first before anybody else (believe that)
Take care of them before I take care of self
I’m a genuine feminine female thang
Can you hang? Ain’t nothin’ but a she thang